Change Without Community, Its Hard!

Nine months.  It has been nine months since my husband and I packed up our lives and headed to The South.  It has been 13 ½ months since we got married.  Neither of these huge life events were exactly what we expected.  My husband, J, and I have fairly frequent conversations about how nothing that happens in life is like how it happens in the movies.  Marriage, relationships, sex, moving to the coast, none of it is like what you see in the movies.  Real life is messy!  It is hard and exhausting, but it is real-and I would much rather live a real, honest life, than live a lie that looks like what people want to see. 

Don’t get me wrong-being married to J has been wonderful!  It is lovely to be able to face life’s challenges and excitements with someone that you love, and loves you in return.  The first several months of marriage were pretty blissful-kind of like the movies.  We were surrounded by the love and support of many friends and family.  We first met in a community group at our church, and everyone was able to witness how our relationship took shape and bloomed over a couple years.  We were spoiled to have such loving, committed relationships around us.  And, we were able to share our love and joy with all of them at our wedding-such fun!   Along with all of the glory, we have also had some difficulties.   It has been a wild ride for us so far.  I became an official military spouse, and had 4 moves within the first six months of marriage, but each transition has helped us to learn how to trust and lean on each other and how to trust in God and lean on him for our source of strength.  We have been learning how to “leave and cleave” and how to survive while separated from all our family and friends.  We have been learning how to love each other despite our sinfulness and how to offer grace to each other, and accept the grace that God offers to us. 

Since J is in the Air Force, I have a feeling that moving and transition will become a regular part of my life.   In fact, we will have to move every 2-3 years, per Air Force rules, which makes it difficult to plan very far ahead in life or to know how to make roots.  The temptation is to focus on building roots wherever we currently are, but time is precious and fleeting and I am thinking that it would be a better plan to root our relationship in the Lord, rather in a location.  Moving to the Gulf Coast has been hard for us.  Neither of us have been overly enamored with the location-it is hot, humid, and they have some really big bugs here.  Eww.   The tea is beyond super sweet, and for someone who doesn’t like seafood-it’s not the best location for culinary delights. 

However, I think the thing that has been most difficult for us is our current lack of community.  I don’t think either of us realized just how good we had it in St. Louis.  We were surrounded by friends and mentors that we could trust with anything and we were never lacking for social interaction or engagement.  It is one of those things where you don’t realize how good (or how important) what you have is until it is gone.  Since I am new to the whole military spouse thing (let’s face it, I’m still new to the whole being a spouse thing!) I have tried being what I thought other military spouses are like so that I could fit in.  I act proper, and polite, offer to cook meals for others, smile lots, dote on my husband, etc.  The problem with this is that it doesn’t work well when that is not who you really are.  I am much more of a say-it-like-it-is, rough around the edges, but will love your pants off kind of gal.

Community and connection, in my opinion, should be about living life and getting in the nitty gritty of honest living with those around you.  It doesn’t look pretty (like in the movies) but it is real, and life changing, and lifesaving!  Although we haven’t found that down here yet, we continue to search for a church, and for a community where we can do that.  Knowing we will move again within the next 1-2 years doesn’t mean I get to opt out on relationships where I am.  It means that even more so-I need to be intentional about keeping rooted to God, and loving others well.  I need to work to love my husband well, and to love my neighbors, co-workers, and fellow military spouses.  Not just because they are all deserving of love, but because community is essential to our survival.  Community provides a way for God to love on us and for us to share his love with others.   It is how we can grow and stretch individually and as a couple.  It is how we can have peace, hope, and joy in the midst of difficult and stressful circumstances and the good ones!

~Written by Nicole Morgan M.A., LPC

It Won't Always Feel Like This

Currently, recently, and for a while I have been in a season I could never have predicted and I can't believe is still in effect. I have been acutely aware its just a season but the exhaustion, the stuckness, the deadening of my heart linger on and threaten hopelessness. Most days, as long as I remember it is a season and seasons change, I am content in the inbetween. But you can tell by my language, its not easy. Whether you prefer to hear it from the Byrd's or the Bible, there is such wisdom in choosing a perspective that embraces the particular truth: "To every thing there is a season." Check it out...
Byrd's

Bible

It wasn't until I had my first child that I deeply grasped the idea of season. I laugh and grieve as I tell people that as my baby grew, I kept noticing a pattern of figuring out what her bedtime should be, what she liked, etc. and as soon as I did, it changed.  Having an infant is an exaggerated experience in beginning and ending seasons.  On a more general level, seasons are things like being in school, looking for a new job, raising children, caring for aging parents, retirement. Seasons can also look like a time of inspiration, depression, gratefulness, or bitterness. A season is something that you experience that is limited to a short-ish period of time. A season could last a decade or two or three, but common use of the word refers to something lasting weeks, months, or a couple of years.  

As it relates to suffering, the principal of season is comforting in that the thing you are currently experiencing, the feeling you're currently having, the limits you're currently bound by, inevitably will not remain the same. It won't always feel like this.

In the meantime, while you're "stuck" in this season, without minimizing the real pain you're feeling, may I suggest accepting this season?  Save your energy for the necessary struggles of your day and release the struggle against the season. Trust that it will not always be like this. You will not always be like this. There is hope in a loving God who has good plans for your future. (Jer 29:11) There is hope in the inevitability of change. There is hope.

Even Suffering is Grace

On the rare occasions I get to soak up some time in a coffee shop, I usually feel overwhelmed by the stream of people coming and going who seem to have it all together. Whether dressed in a business suit or yoga pants, each person in their own way appears more “Ok” than I feel. Today must be opposite day because 90% of what I’ve witnessed in the last 30 minutes at Einstein Bros has been heartbreaking.  A family of 5 with active young children who have brought their parents to a place of apparent hopelessness. An elderly man who unbelievably managed to avoid hitting the cars around him as he parallel parked. Even more amazingly, he navigated the busy street while wielding his cane and an armful of Imo’s, made it back to his car, placed the treats in the backseat and once again drove off, barely avoiding swiping nearby cars. Wow. A mother with her daughter and toddler grandson each reeling in their own self-protective way from the heinous interaction between them right there at the lunch table. For once I feel like I fit in.

Each one of us is desperately in need of something to save us from the darkness and pain that follow us everywhere, every day, even to Einstein Bros Bagels on a Sunday afternoon. No one can escape the pursuit of evil. It’s after us. Often, it gets really close to us. But I am reminded, we have a Savior who won’t let evil “get” us. On this earth we will suffer, and it won’t be pretty. But we’ll never suffer alone and we’ll never lose the war.

 When it comes to suffering, it is entirely too easy for me to think God isn’t enough for me or that I’m not enough for God.  On days I feel defeated I can be persuaded that my problems are too big for even God. It would require a miracle to see real change and I tell myself God doesn’t do miracles anymore.  On days I’m feeling insignificant, I can be persuaded that I’m not important enough for God to care about my car trouble or lost wallet or frustrating morning. But He does! This graphic was a comforting reminder, until I thought further about it….

When you face life-compromising illness, devastating loss, or terrifying threat, after pleading with the Lord for a while and not seeing the improvement you desire, it becomes easy to begin doubting Him. Though you once may have known nothing is out of the reach of our Lord, you begin to wonder if He can’t trump free will. Or maybe it’s just that He can’t make something of nothing. It becomes comforting even, to think he just isn’t able to do what we’re asking. That feels more comfortable than facing the truth that He is fully powerful and able, but choosing not to grant our request for what seems like something so small. Usually we’re just asking for a little relief, a little justice, a little love. This is when we begin asking the question the walls in my office are saturated with: How could a loving God hear my prayers and do nothing to help?

The pat, possibly trite-sounding answers I hear are:

-Later, you may thank God for unanswered prayers

-You may not be seeing how He is answering your prayers in a different way than you expect

-Because He loves us He allows us free will and what you’re experiencing could be the consequences of yours or someone else’s sin

-All of your suffering will be used for a purpose, for His glory

…..there’s more but you get the point.

While there is truth in each of these ideas, I’ve been trying to focus on another direction of thoughts about suffering.

Something we do as humans, is dividing the world into two categories: good and bad. At the very least we evaluate our experiences as good ones and bad ones. Keeping our lives divided into these two categories turns into an exhausting effort to keep two warring selves bound together in the one brain. There’s a part that hurts and grieves and suffers, and a part that rejoices and celebrates and enjoys. The way I experience and interact with the world when I judge something bad, is markedly different that the way I experience and interact when I’ve judged something good. The one side of my brain just doesn't look at things the same way the other does. An ideal, a more whole way of living, is to integrate each of our parts, good and bad, into one.  As a personal goal, I’m working on shades of grey with the hope that the shades I see become lighter and lighter. If I could see all things as good on some level, not because I see the good in them but because I have faith they will be used for good, I could see all things as grace. And when God did not answer my prayers in a way I could understand or see, I could choose to see His response as grace.   How do you do this in the midst of suffering? How do you do this when you’re being abused or your child dies, or you become homeless? Honestly, I don’t know. The best directive I give myself is to use my stubborn strong will that I’ve been using for my own purposes, to instead accomplish God’s will for me--becoming more like His son. 

We serve a God who is without a doubt powerful enough to do anything you ask and anything He chooses. So ask. And ask and ask. The Lord delights in you sharing your heart with Him, and when you do, He will be there with you. There is nothing too small for Him to get worked up about, cry over, or celebrate with you. You will find rest in Him. But if and when life continues to feel hard, try this out. Choose to view what you would have labeled “bad” as helpful, useful, purposeful, or if you’re really brave, “good.”

The Shaping Role of Relationships

All of us have been impacted by relationships. We learned at a very young age from our primary caregivers whether the world was safe and if we were cherished. These two beliefs continued to be foundational as we grew and entered into new relationships. Some of these relationships we chose while others where chosen for us. Some of these relationships brought more joy, laughter, and validation, while others inflicted sorrow, hurt, and pain. Relationships, even those that ended, have shaped our identity, worth, and beliefs today. Join us for a 12 week group as we explore the shaping role of relationships in our lives and learn empowering skills to promote healthy relationships.
                                                                                                        -Addie

"Welcome!" to our Newest Counselor

Around here, it seems that the theme of 2015, could be "change." As much as we talk with others about their experience of change and the bravery required to walk into the process of change while remaining open and vulnerable, you'd think we'd know how to do it better! Thankfully much of the change we're experiencing is positive, and welcoming our newest counselor, Addie Shrimpton, is a positive change we are fully enjoying. Addie is joining us as an intern and offers her services for much reduced rates. She is in the Masters in Counseling program at Covenant Seminary and has been doing great work at Morgan Counseling Services. Please feel free to refer to her or call to find out more.

A little about Addie...

"I was born and raised in Louisville, KY. I never thought I would call somewhere else home, but my husband and I have grown to love St. Louis. We have a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named Jack that we both adore. Jack doesn’t know a stranger and has helped us to connect with new people wherever we go. I believe we were made to connect and be in relationship with one another. Relationships where we can receive love and give love. Relationships in which we can be known and in turn know others. Unfortunately, not all relationships are this way. Some can be painful and broken. My hope is to be a safe and secure relationship for clients. I desire to walk alongside my client as we delight in the beauty and mourn the brokenness in one’s story. I long to be a source of encouragement and provide hope to every person I get the privilege of sitting with." 

Lonely with My Words

In a number of ways, God has been focusing my attention on my misuse of words. In August, I read a chapter of Proverbs each day with some women from my church, which repeatedly and painfully reminded me of the importance of my words. For example:

Proverbs 11:12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.

 

 

Proverbs 25:15 Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.

 

Proverbs 15:28 The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked

gushes evil.

 

Proverbs 10:21 The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.

As a result of these reminders, I've been acutely focused on the power of my words on others. Occasionally I find myself using my words with my children in a way that causes shame or distancing.  I am reminded that our words are best used to lift up and redirect. I have been to several social occasions lately in which my mind became stuck on things I said and after seeing the potential harm in them, I wished I could take the words back. But words can never be taken back. You can apologize, you can repair, you can learn from your mistake, but you can never make the other person forget what you said.

This is a huge struggle for me. I'm a words person. Words are my biggest tool.  But I'm learning about myself, that words may be my biggest area of sin. I don't put others down or talk badly about others behind their backs. But I tend to say more than I should at times, and I don't always lift others up as much as I would like. I'm really not good at those times when saying nothing is the best thing to say. I've excused myself from guilt in this area by understanding that I'm a verbal processor and need to talk things out before I really know where I stand with them. I also find much joy, if not comfort, in being understood. What better way is there to be understood than expressing oneself in words? I, personally, find nothing more fulfilling than expressing myself and having another person completely get where I'm coming from. But as the Lord is challenging me here, I see that I am wrong to allow myself to continue saying things that do not lift others up. It feels incredibly lonely to consider holding my tongue, at times when I feel the need to process out loud or gather feedback.  Yet I believe this is the right thing for me to do. I'm not sure where the lines are...when to speak and when to use self control. I'm also not sure how to hold my tongue, and still show up fully. It would be so much easier to just not say anything at all.

Thoughts like "take up your cross" or "die to self" come to mind as inspirations to control my tongue. The way I've heard those ideas used make them feel legalistic, victim-like, and dead end-y. I want to take up my cross and die to self, and then turn my focus toward the love of my God. He knows how lonely this can be. He knows exactly what this feels like, and he's still asking it of me. There must be a righteous reason. I want to be called to something higher. I want to be part of something that matters. I want to love others well. If holding my tongue, and squirming in my own loneliness is part of that, I look forward to conquering the part of me that causes the most sin. I'll fail and regress and resent at times. But I'll try. So far, as I've entered this struggle, the Lord has not disappointed. For once, his promise that His yolk is easy and his burden is light, feels true. It's been the most delightful conviction I've ever been subject to. His love empowers me to hold my tongue and comforts me in my loneliness. I feel love, not shame, even as I fail and regress and resent.

Love Bravely Like Christ

While on maternity leave, in a rare moment of feeling rested for some unexplained reason, I made this. 

It hangs in our hall so we can't avoid looking at it the entire time it takes to make it from one end of the hall to the other. It is our family mission. I cannot say I do each of things things well, or all the time. But I do each of them sometimes, with varying levels of success. My hope and prayer is that as we focus on being the family described on my wall, other people (who know nothing of my art) will think to describe us using words like these.

As I walk the hall over and over each day, I wonder about each line. What does is mean to be vulnerable? Which vulnerabilities are good to share with whom? How real do I want to be? When am I speaking the truth in love and when am I using the truth to justify my sin, blame others, harbor hatred, or be bossy? Every line in this piece of art causes me to stop and examine my heart. The last line, however, really stumps me. I have no confusion about the idea that loving as Christ did is the the essence of being alive. What confounds me, is what it looks like to love bravely like Christ? When I think about my clients, I'm pretty sure loving like Christ looks like requiring a sex addicted man to participate in treatment, not continuing therapy with someone who wants to use attending but not working in therapy as a way to say they've tried, listening with interest when someone tells the same story of being hurt multiple times, extending grace when a client has lost their job and cannot pay for my time, and obviously, caring deeply for each person who spends time on my couch. Loving bravely like Christ, is entirely different when it comes to my own life.

In my own life, sometimes I just don't know what it means to love. Most often I have a sense of what is NOT loving bravely like Christ. If God uses our troubles and failures to offer redemption, shouldn't I utilize my own troubles and failures to help redeem moments here on earth? I will pray for you and you pray for me, that we might learn from our mistakes and grow to be more like Christ in how we love others.  Otherwise, we're not even really alive.

Our Battle with Body Image Could be Sin

Recently, I sat across from my client, a forty-something young professional woman dressed in a flattering cap-sleeved top, black pencil skirt, bare legs, and black pumps. I admired her beauty and classy choice in clothing. At this point in the spring I was surprised by how nicely her legs were tanned and noticed what a nice complement her clothing and jewelry were to her skin tone and haircolor-a thought I have almost every time I see her. She was explaining her recent struggle to feel good about herself and her perspective that she wanted to accept the body God intended her to have. She went on to say that she just needed to be able to "slim down" in order to do this, which required changes in eating habits, exercise commitments, and attitude. I excitedly agreed with her desire to accept the body God gave her.

It seems that almost every woman I've had the privilege of speaking with has had some version of this same problem, a battle with body image. The problem in what she was saying is that the body God intended her to have was likely the one she walked in with today. What if God's desire for her is to accept her body as it is right now, instead of waiting to change this or that before accepting herself? This, I believe, is as true for her, as it is for you, me, and everyone else. We are to responsibly care for our bodies, our temples of God, which includes healthy lifetstyle habits AND a loving attitude toward our body. If we wait to feel satisfied with our bodies before accepting and loving them, we commit a host of sins...among them are diminishing the value of Christ's sacrifice to redeem our lives (and bodies), distrusting God's intention in the design of our bodies, ungratefulness for God's design for our bodies (which for most of us includes a mostly functional body that blessses us with the ability to live a full life), idolizing approval or success, trying to usurp control over our lives from God, and having an attitude that criticizes the handiwork of God by saying his creation is not good enough for us.

The truth is, that until we love our bodies enough to treat them well, we are usually unable to produce healthy and long lasting change in them. This highlights the need to accept and love our bodies as they are now, BEFORE entering the process of changing them. Sound backwards? Most people say so. But if we are working to change our bodies so that we can love them, we will always fall short. Changing for the wrong reasons creates too much pressure and internal resistance to succeed. Changing for the right reasons-because we love ourselves and our bodies and want them to be healthy and treated with love and respect-becomes a journey in freedom and joy, rather than the chains and bondage most of us feel when we're on a "diet." More importantly, God is interested in the shape of our heart more than he is the shape of our body. He desires for us to challenge the sins in our hearts, and be reconciled to Him, which is more likely to produce change in our bodies if/when it is needed.

The radicalness of the gospel is radical when applied to body image, too. If our greatest mission on earth is to love God and love others, how does that look when it comes to our bodies? I'm pretty sure it doesn't look like endless efforts at one diet after another, beating up on ourselves for missing a work out, or comparing our appearance to that of God's other children. If radical is our example, we should strive to be radical, too. Let's LOVE our bodies, and change because we love them. Let's ACCEPT ours and each other's bodies, and stop comparing among ourselves. Let's boldly reach out and show the love of God in the shape of GRACE, regardless of the shape of our body. This is my prayer for you and for me.

PROTECTING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM a 4-part Series for Women

PROTECTING YOUR SELF ESTEEM

Morgan Counseling Services is proud to offer a 4 night series on Protecting your Self Esteem for Women. Each of our 4 counselors will offer an evening to share their thoughts and expertise on the subject of self-esteem as follows:

Protecting Your Self-Esteem as a Mother of Infants/Toddlers
July 9, 2013
5:30pm
Women's Health Partners
10012 Kennerly Road, #405
St. Louis, MO 63128

Protecting Your Self-Esteem as a Mother of a Grade Schooler or Tween
August 15, 2013
5:30 pm
Women's Health Partners
10012 Kennerly Road, #405
St. Louis, MO 63128

Protecting Your Self-Esteem as a Mother of a High Schooler
September 17, 2013
5:30 pm
Women's Health Partners
10012 Kennerly Road, #405
St. Louis, MO 63128

Protecting Your Self-Esteem as a Single Person
October 3, 2013
5:30 pm
Women's Health Partners
10012 Kennerly Road, #405
St. Louis, MO 63128





Each evening will be FREE and last approximately an hour. Part class, part discussion, part anything goes, each of the 4 sessions will endeavor to present helpful information about the self-esteem of women, while also providing a space for your thoughts and questions to be heard and lovingly addressed.

Please register on our Facebook Event https://www.facebook.com/events/561660953878081/ or by email morgancounselinginfo@gmail.com We look forward to seeing you there!

Jennifer, Lisa, Nicole, and Sandy

Pleased to Announce our Newest Employee!

 

Morgan Counseling Services is excited to announce the addition of Nicole Morgan M.A., LPC, NCC, to our group of counselors. In addition to her full time work through Lutheran Family and Children's Services at Hazelwood West High School, Nicole will be working with individuals and families at MCS. I trust that those of you who are privileged to spend time with her will appreciate her loving, matter of fact approach, to matters of the heart.

 

 

 

 

 

Nicole Morgan, MA, LPC, NCC

• Education:  

Bachelor's Degree in Psychology Truman State University
Masters in Counseling Covenant Theological Seminary

• Licensure/Certificaiton:

Certified School Counselor Lindenwood University
Licensed Professional Counselor since 2007
Nationally Certified Counselor since 2009


Nicole provides Individual Therapy, Family Therapy and Couples Therapy to clients ages 14 and up in both English and Spanish. She is experienced in treating depression, anxiety, PTSD, self-harm, spirituality issues, grief, abuse, trauma, relationship issues, and more in adults and adolescents. Nicole believes we all live in a world full of God’s beauty and grace. Sadly it is also full of brokenness and trials. There is no promise from God that we will escape pain or suffering in this life, but we do have the promise that this world is not all that there is—which gives us hope! The trick is to learn how to live fully in the tension between God’s promises and the reality of a broken world. Nicole's goal is to come alongside you in your suffering while encouraging you towards growing in hope and healing. Treatment is always a collaborative process designed specifically to meet your unique needs. Nicole cares deeply about her clients and strives to bring light to her client's strengths to help them face their challenges and start feeling better. Nicole's unique life experiences equip her to work with a diverse population of hurting people. Her approach to counseling is eclectic and includes person-centered, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Solution-Focused.

To make an appointment with Nicole, call 314.221.3773, or email her at nicole@morgancounselingservices.com. 

O to Be Engaged: The Power of Presence

I recently committed myself to take part in an intimate professional retreat, consisting of 5 therapists and one leader. Over two days time, we explored dignity, depravity, fear, wrestling with God, and power, all of which are lusciously rich subjects that provide ample opportunity for discovery and growth. As I shared my personal reflections at the close of the retreat, I realized that over and above anything I gained in content, my heart had been deeply touched by the experience of being engaged. Our leader, a kind, gentle, and truth speaking man, come into our group and with little hesitation, and took on the task of engaging each of us as fully and completely as one could expect from another human. He listened to each of us, with defenseless ears of interest and understanding. He led and guided us as we sought to understand ideas like fear and depravity, as they relate to our own sin. He modeled quintessential patience and wisdom by challenging us when necessary, and taking a step back as needed. The essence of what this man did, that I called engaging, is also called emotional presence.

Emotional presence seems to be one of the recent terms tossed around by anyone and everyone, even those who have no idea what it means. My personal definition of the term, as it relates to others, is “interacting with another while fully experiencing your own thoughts and feelings, simultaneously allowing them to be available to the other.” When emotional presence is engaging, a person does the aforementioned while stepping into the world of their audience and interacting with it. Our leader walked into our worlds of problems, strengths, thoughts, and feelings, while also offering his own problems, strengths, thoughts and feelings. The result, at least for me, was life-giving.

The experience of having our leader “show up” for me, allowed me to feel valued and caused me to reach for the wisdom I yearned for. The opportunity to be accepted and listened to, became an opportunity to stretch and grow. Hearing myself describe the experience of enjoying our leader’s fully invested presence, helped me see I was feeling free and alive. I was feeling an aliveness to my desire to be poured into, believed in, and nudged on.  Oh, how I had been longing to be seen for who I am, accepted for exactly that, and given direction as to how to be more for myself and others. What a blessing to have these moments, in the presence of 4 treasured colleagues, to reacquaint me with my longing and nudge me in the direction of seeking it out.

I wonder as consumers, clients, and other readers consider my experience, what longings of their own, they relate this to? Besides the obvious things most of us want-money, stability, relationships, children, independence-what are your heart’s desires, that if met, could free you to go forward as a more alive, risk-taking, love-offering individual? What would your potential be if you were met with the emotional presence of another human, who accepted you for who you are and engaged you in your most difficult, ugly, shameful, challenging, and beautiful thoughts? What would be the potential if you were the one emotionally present and meeting others where they are? Both positions are opportunities for freedom from the chains of seeking other-validation, living based on shoulds, and loneliness. Are you aware of the extent of your loneliness that is based on self-protective hiding and emotional withholding? It is breaking our hearts each day, and much of the solution can be found in braving experiments in emotional presence.

By the grace of God, I was born the type that can’t help but be emotionally present. I’m forever intensely aware of my own thoughts and feelings, and at the same time highly invested in seeking out others’. I have laughed with friends and colleagues that I have no formal therapy to offer-no research based methodology or terminology, no techniques, theories, or assessments, I just have what I call “Jennifer Morgan therapy.” The therapy I do best, is just being me. I don’t know how great I am, but people keep coming back. So if any of what I’ve said appeals to you, drop me a line. And do so with presence.    

New GROUP at Morgan Counseling Services

  

 Do any of these characteristics describe you?

§  Always having to achieve more

§  Always thinking you need others’ approval

§  Feeling unworthy of love and deserving of punishment

§  Thinking you cannot change and are hopeless

“The journey begins with a very private place: your thoughts.  When I fail at something, I feel lousy about myself… When others don’t approve of me, I can’t seem to get over it… Sometimes it feels like I’ll never measure up… These are the universal lies that trigger the cycle of self-doubt, robbing you of joyful living. “  Robert McGee

Our 10-week Psychotherapy Group Study, based on the book Search For Significance, will aid you in finding help to:

§  Get off the performance treadmill

§  Build your self worth on Jesus, not on others

§  Trace and replace harmful emotions with God’s truth

§  Discover why your quests for meaning have not brought lasting happiness

 

Tuesdays, 6:30-8pm, beginning September 17^th

^{$20/group-Closed Group}

^{For more information or to join the group, please contact Sandy Kallaos, MA, PLPC at 636.236.8804}                                                                

                                                                                 

                                              11222 Tesson Ferry Road Ste 200 St. Louis, MO 63123

                                                www.morgancounselingservices.com

Gracefully Single

Gracefully Single

The art of living each day with gratitude for the unmerited favor of singleness, in all ways beautifying God’s creation; outwardly elegant, inwardly peaceful.

Depending on god for all my needs

Giving grace to others for not meeting my needs

Accepting grace for trying to meet my own needs

God will Redeem

 

                                                                                   

                                                                                     -Jennifer Morgan

An encouragement for my single friends and family

Self Care-God's Command

  
When was the last time you...
Slept 7, 8, or 9 hours in a row
Ate a balanced meal
Grabbed some solitude
Prayed, read your Bible, or journaled
Showered, shaved, or otherwise cared for your body
Spent time with a friend
Did something fun
Exercised
Took your meds correctly
Relaxed

If your answer to more than one of these items is "a week or more ago," you may need some help in the self-care department. Self-care is the thing that goes out the window, when we feel the demands placed on us require more than we have to give. Self-care is the thing that requires respect for who we are and who we are capable of being, in order to follow through with. Self-care is the thing that when used well, allows us to endure hard things, enjoy fun things, and make the best of average things. Self-care is being a good steward of the resources we've been blessed with.

Usually, when I'm having this conversation, one of the strongest and most common responses I receive is, "Isn't taking care of myself, selfish? The kids need dinner, my husband wants the house cleaned, and I have to bring work home just so I can keep my job. There are only so many hours in the day. I'm just being selfish if I take a bath instead of feeding my children!" Maybe....

The Bible requires us to "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others." Philippians 2:4. This scripture is talking about placing others at a higher value than ourselves, but in order to place others at a higher value, we have to place ourselves as having some value. The scripture does not say, "only" look out for the interests of others. It says, "but also for the interests of others. This indicates that looking out for our own interest is acceptable as long as it is not the only thing we're looking out for.

The Bible also says "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31. Again, in order to love your neighbor as yourself, you must first love yourself. And this is included in the top two instructions we're given by the Lord! By all means, you better get yourself in that bathtub sometime SOON! It's not selfish to take care of yourself, it's only selfish to indulge when finances, time, or other factors suggest another choice would be better.

Sometimes our lack of self care is due to more than feeling selfish, poor boundaries, or poor time management. Hard times, whether that means relationship problems, financial strain, loss, depression, or something else, also keep us from taking care of ourselves. We forget the value of setting aside time for ourselves, we don't have the energy to exercise, and we don't feel like making a date with friends. More important things like paying the bills, spending time at the hospital with Mom, or having another fight with our spouse, steal our time and energy. These are the most important times to invest in self-care activities. Without proper sleep, nutrition, exercise, and emotional care, we cannot possibly step into the harsh realities of our lives in a way that allows us to fully own our reactions and take appropriate action. The best chance you have at conquering the biggest challenge in your life, begins with ensuring you remain committed to self-care in the process. Not only is it necessary for healthy functioning, but it's good practice for the harder acts of self love in your life. Things like ending a relationship, changing your spending habits, seeking counseling, or quitting your unhealthy job.

So whether it be eating better, sleeping better, getting a massage, or saying "No" once in a while, start small and get big. Get big about putting you higher on the priority list. Get big about acknowledging the difference between the you that's tired and stressed, and the you that can think straight because you didn't answer that call and got to bed earlier. Get big about taking care of the resources God blessed you with (your mind and body), instead of running them into the ground. Taking care of ourselves is not only something we shouldn't feel guilty about, but something we should feel proud to let others see. Let's show 'em how it's done!

On Dating in 2012: Are You Serious, God?

I have had the unfortunate opportunity of reentering the dating world in my mid-thirties. Thankfully, after a few years of that type of torture, God has blessed me with an incredible man I plan to marry. Even now, in the midst of our engagement, I say to the Lord, “Are you serious?”

The dating culture for post-college Christians is all but miserable, in my opinion. We want to meet like-minded others, for the prospect of marriage, yet the avenues through which this is available are pitifully limited. Whether we choose online dating, speed dating, dating services, or blind dates, the process is often exhausting, exposing, and yields minimal results. After months or years of the roller coaster of having our hopes heightened and quickly crushed, many of us fall to a place of blaming God. You are the one who created this world full of sin, and you did it knowing the outcome. You knew in the beginning of time, what 2012 would look like and how hard dating would be in a culture that has such little respect for humanity and even less respect for the institution of marriage. I find myself checking the skies occasionally, making sure there’s no sulfur leaking out. How can you ask us to seek and offer love in an environment such as this?

I have been reminded of the scripture that says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. The thought is superficially comforting, until I find myself thinking…Ok, but when?

I’ve also been told I should “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” Matthew 7:7. Yes, if I ask for salvation, or forgiveness of sin, or something similar, this is surely true. But when it comes to asking for a man to marry, or a particular job, or having children, I realize my thoughts are not God’s thoughts and He may know something that makes those things not the best thing for me. So it’s not accurate to say anything you ask with faith, shall be granted. Stop telling me I haven’t asked God enough or had enough faith to have what I want.

“Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10. Now, this is a scripture that comforts me. This reminds me that victory is mine, because I am God’s. Victory may require me to adjust my expectations of what something will look like, when it will happen, and how it will happen. But I should not be afraid or discouraged because God will strengthen me and help me. What I feel like I can’t face, he will give me the strength to face. What I feel like I can’t possibly accept, he will help me accept. And in the end, He will be victorious. And so will I.

In the meantime, the idea of continuing to long for things, and at the same time knowing I may never get them, is daunting. The pain of hoping , sometimes feels worse than deciding what I want will never come to be. Hoping but not receiving, leaves me vacillating between wondering if there’s something wrong with me, and trying to accept that God’s grace and perfect timing are true and working in my life. The longings I have are supposedly gifts from the Lord, but when they are unmet, they feel more like deficiencies than gifts.

Philippians 4:11-13 says “…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” So I’m supposed to long AND be content in the Lord? Yes, I think that’s what the Bible says. This scripture tells us to learn to be content. Dozens of other scriptures tell us to hope. God is many things, some of them seemingly contradictory, all at once. He is just and merciful, He is present in the world, and transcends space and time. Here He’s telling us we need to be two seemingly contradictory things: hopeful, and content. Maybe your struggle is not with dating, but wanting a different job, a better relationship, more opportunities, or more children. Whatever your struggle, I encourage you to fully embrace your experience of frustration, disappointment, longing, and pain, and pursue contentment.

God’s purpose for us is sanctification-making us more like Christ, for His purposes. I can’t say I understand why God asks us to date and marry in a world where what we want in any particular moment, is the only thing that seems to matter to most Americans. I also don’t understand why when we’re brave enough to do that, we’re not always rewarded with someone to love. But I do trust God’s character (loving, omniscient, sovereign, merciful, etc.) and his purpose for us (sanctity and relationship with Him). And for those reasons, I will continue to long for the desires of my heart, shaking my fist when it feels necessary, and I will continue to seek contentment in His love.

If I could have just one wish

If I could have just one wish, the ugliest of emotions, would viciously cage my heart. Contempt would rule, and the castle of my being would crumble. All the longing I’ve worked to allow, would be ripped away leaving my soul as nothing more than a shell, housing one single, solitary, empty wish. One wish, allows miniscule amounts of hope to survive. One wish only, crushes the infinite blessing of dreaming- the place where redemption never ceases and beauty is always available. One wish steals the desire that drives me to seek and find, try and learn, work and succeed. One wish is robbery. For the act of wishing, is in itself, often more life-giving, than the wish coming true.

-Jennifer Morgan

Woe to Winter

I've heard some people recently insisting they love winter. Given the mild winter we're having, I haven't put up much resistance to their optimism. But had I been asked my opinion, I would reply, "Winter sucks! The cold is paralyzing, the wind is harsh and biting, and walking in snow feels like moving in the shallow end of a swimming pool." Every year I become burdened with the heaviness of winter. Sometimes to the degree of seasonal depression, other times I'm blessed to only become a little down, apathetic, or discouraged. This year, likely because of its mildness, winter has only brought me down a little. I find myself feeling unmotivated, irritated, and largely stagnant. My heart longs for growth and renewal, yet the prospect of it becomes too exhausting to pursue.





A conversation with a colleague recently reminded me, one of the best techniques we have to treat depression. The idea that often, depression is simply helped by doing something. Anything. One of the most prevalent symptoms of depression is lack of motivation; not caring enough to force oneself to do something when we don't feel like it. When clients tell me, "Yes, Jennifer, that's a good idea. But when the time comes, I just don't feel like doing it." My response is usually, "That's OK. But I think it would help you to do it anyway." Inevitably, they will do it, even though they don't feel like it, and they will begin to feel better. Not because that particular action worked any kind of miracle, but because one thing leads to another. One positive action leads to another positive thought or action, which leads to another to another to another. When it comes to depression, doing something will almost always be better than doing nothing.





This is advice I could use when winter has me feeling stuck and stubborn. Rather than becoming paralyzed when life feels too dense to step into, I would like to remember that if I do something, anything, I will likely feel better about doing the next thing. One step at a time.





At the same time, I would like to advise myself to sink into winter. The cold, sometimes dark days, present good opportunities to curl up and watch a movie, or read a book. Whether I'm choosing to do this, or feel like its the only choice possible, I would like to allow myself to enjoy these moments. Because the Lord knows, summer will soon be here, and the heat and overwhelming busyness of the season will cause me to write a blog entitled, "Woe to Summer, Give Us Some Rain!"

CHANGE

What is it about change, exactly, that sends us in shameless retreat, wishing we had never revealed our hopes or asked for anything more? When change intrudes at times we have not wished for more, our reaction is even worse...blaming others for the situation, cursing Adam and Eve, bargaining with God for the transition to end. What is it about change that causes paralysis in our hearts? How does change instill such fear that we no longer find perseverance, healthy risk, or sanctification virtuous enough to pursue?

The last two months have been prime time for me to explore these issues. Through the process of hiring my first employees and simultaneously upgrading office locations, I have been confronted with the reality of my heart in the midst of change. The truth is, that I have been looking for a desired result to indicate the rightness or wrongness of decisions I've been making. Rather than allowing myself to be immersed in the journey of each particular decision, I have been waiting for each thing to work out or fall apart to let me know I followed God well. I know that in living this way, I overlook much of the experience God is offering. Yet, I fall into the same rut with each decision.

If only I could view change as something more neutral, than bad. Change is necessary to get where I want to go. Change requires trust, patience, flexibility, openness...it also sometimes means not getting my way, disappointment, uncertainty, and chaos. None of those things seem life threatening, now that I think about it. But I'm afraid of them. I fear that God doesn't truly understand how important it is to have beauty in my office or absolute trust in my employees, which keeps me from relaxing into the journey. Does he really take into consideration that having office windows that open would make a big difference in my quality of life? Does it even occur to him that I would prefer to control my own thermostat? The thing is, He does. He thinks of every little detail I do, and a multitude of ones I do not. And not only does He think of them, he cares about them as much as I do, if not more. The difference between my view and His, is that He's looking at all His other children who are affected by the circumstances I'm dealing with. And he chooses to do what's best for all of His children, even when it means than some of them may feel disappointed.

Maybe if I remember that what seems like negative change to me, could really be quite positive for another one of His children, I might be more flexible when change arrives in the future. In the meantime, I'll keep reminding myself, "Breathe. Breathe. Breathe."

MCS is Moving!

Dear Friends, Family, Clients & Colleagues,

It is with much anticipation and excitement, that I write to inform you of some exciting changes happening at Morgan Counseling Services LLC. For many years, I have dreamt of what Morgan Counseling Services would become, and recently I have taken the first steps in making that dream come true.

As of October 3, 2011, Morgan Counseling Services will be located in a new office suite at 11222 Tesson Ferry Rd, approximately one mile north of our current location. This new location provides several features I am excited to have, namely additional safety features, larger office space, and a more beautiful setting. Please click on this link to familiarize yourself with our new location.

Additionally, I am thrilled to introduce two employees at Morgan Counseling Services LLC; Lisa Hueckel M.A., PLPC, and Sandy Kallaos M.A.C., CIT. Lisa has been working toward her licensure under my supervision for more than three years, and Sandy is beginning her post-graduate hours toward earning her licensure. In addition to her role as counselor, Sandy will be acting as Administrative Coordinator for MCS. You may contact Sandy at 314.221.3773 or Sandy@morgancounselingservices.com for help with billing, scheduling, and other administrative issues.

We trust you will feel comfortable in our new space, and look forward to meeting you there.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Morgan

I Don't Have Time for God

Although it may seem upon first glance, that I have forgotten about this blog, I have not. Remembering has been a thorn in my side since my last post in December. I want to write, I thoroughly enjoy writing. However, not a single post since the beginning of this blog has been my own writing. I have edited and compiled in a way that I hoped appeared to be blogging. Even if I fooled some of you, which is unlikely, I have not fooled myself. I just don't have time to do it as well I would like.


I have a relative who in the past, used the phrase "I don't have time," until it was broken down and useless in her vocabulary. When I heard it used I imagined rolling my eyes and shouting, "Get over it!" What I was thinking was that if she managed her time differently, prioritized better, or set better boundaries, she wouldn't have that problem. I never viewed lacking time as an actual, valid dilemma. I thought it was purely the result of poor choices.


To some extent I still believe this. It is our society that is to blame, for suggesting we put so much on our plates, in order to measure up to the "norm". If Americans valued humans as much as they do output, I don't think we'd be in the time dilemma we find ourselves. Recently I've been having problems with my computer and several days I've been without a computer at work. Those days have been the most relaxed, client-focused days I've had in years. It has caused me to contemplate intentionally leaving my computer at home once a week, or some other manner of regularly releasing myself from the chains of technology. Doing so allows me time to do things I normally tell myself I don't have time to do, like updating the year stickers on my charts, and organizing my office. When I'm really taking care of myself I'll read or pray or reflect.


The realization I've had over the last 6 months, is that no matter how well one manages his or her time, there are still times when there just isn't enough time. I've tried to explain with logic and evidence, why my life suddenly got so busy and still fail to understand what happened exactly. All I know is that beginning January of 2011, I have been so busy, I don't have time. I don't have time for friends, I don't have time to clean, I don't have time to think (which I really miss). Sometimes I don't have time to shower. And there is no better way to rearrange my day that will solve my lack of time dilemma. There is nothing I feel comfortable cutting out of my life. There is no way to prioritize better or use better boundaries to protect my time, and still honor myself and others the way I feel is important.


The worst part is that during this season of being flat out of time, I find myself going to bed every night, apologizing to God for not having spent more time with him. Not having spent any time with him. I've been reminded by friends and family that I think about God and think toward God all day long. Those things count. But there is a felt loss around the absence of quality time, listening time, learning time with God. I feel I am missing out on Him, but more painfully, I feel guilty. Where are the lines, here? When is it OK to accept grace and let yourself off the hook because the cat is vomiting a dirty diaper, the air conditioner broke, and you're doing the work of two people? When do I need to use better boundaries and priorities and say "Enough is enough. God comes first and I don't care if the roof falls in, I'm talking to Him right now."



The Lord is loving and merciful, slow to become angry and full of constant love. Psalms 145:8


I've come to rest in a place where I know God loves me even when I'm not doing a quiet time. At all. I don't always go to church, I don't pray every single day, I seldom read my Bible for the purpose of meeting with Him. Yet I have peace, that because of His grace, he gets it. He knows my human limitations and forgives me everyday when I ask. He meets me where I am and speaks to me in ways I can hear in the midst of the busyness. He does not let me forget my sin. Regularly, he reminds me to check my intentions. Do I really not have enough time today or am I avoiding Him? He hears my heart, and my ache to be closer to Him. I believe that's all He wants. Our hearts. Hopefully our hearts being in love with Him would lead to spiritual disciplines being lived out. When it doens't mean that, He is graceful to offer his covering over where we fall short. Whether its not enough time, energy, motivation, focus, desire, or direction that you struggle with, check your sin, respond, and remember he's no less adoring of you.



What a relief, because in this moment, I don't have time for God.



Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23