CHANGE

What is it about change, exactly, that sends us in shameless retreat, wishing we had never revealed our hopes or asked for anything more? When change intrudes at times we have not wished for more, our reaction is even worse...blaming others for the situation, cursing Adam and Eve, bargaining with God for the transition to end. What is it about change that causes paralysis in our hearts? How does change instill such fear that we no longer find perseverance, healthy risk, or sanctification virtuous enough to pursue?

The last two months have been prime time for me to explore these issues. Through the process of hiring my first employees and simultaneously upgrading office locations, I have been confronted with the reality of my heart in the midst of change. The truth is, that I have been looking for a desired result to indicate the rightness or wrongness of decisions I've been making. Rather than allowing myself to be immersed in the journey of each particular decision, I have been waiting for each thing to work out or fall apart to let me know I followed God well. I know that in living this way, I overlook much of the experience God is offering. Yet, I fall into the same rut with each decision.

If only I could view change as something more neutral, than bad. Change is necessary to get where I want to go. Change requires trust, patience, flexibility, openness...it also sometimes means not getting my way, disappointment, uncertainty, and chaos. None of those things seem life threatening, now that I think about it. But I'm afraid of them. I fear that God doesn't truly understand how important it is to have beauty in my office or absolute trust in my employees, which keeps me from relaxing into the journey. Does he really take into consideration that having office windows that open would make a big difference in my quality of life? Does it even occur to him that I would prefer to control my own thermostat? The thing is, He does. He thinks of every little detail I do, and a multitude of ones I do not. And not only does He think of them, he cares about them as much as I do, if not more. The difference between my view and His, is that He's looking at all His other children who are affected by the circumstances I'm dealing with. And he chooses to do what's best for all of His children, even when it means than some of them may feel disappointed.

Maybe if I remember that what seems like negative change to me, could really be quite positive for another one of His children, I might be more flexible when change arrives in the future. In the meantime, I'll keep reminding myself, "Breathe. Breathe. Breathe."