Change Without Community, Its Hard!

Nine months.  It has been nine months since my husband and I packed up our lives and headed to The South.  It has been 13 ½ months since we got married.  Neither of these huge life events were exactly what we expected.  My husband, J, and I have fairly frequent conversations about how nothing that happens in life is like how it happens in the movies.  Marriage, relationships, sex, moving to the coast, none of it is like what you see in the movies.  Real life is messy!  It is hard and exhausting, but it is real-and I would much rather live a real, honest life, than live a lie that looks like what people want to see. 

Don’t get me wrong-being married to J has been wonderful!  It is lovely to be able to face life’s challenges and excitements with someone that you love, and loves you in return.  The first several months of marriage were pretty blissful-kind of like the movies.  We were surrounded by the love and support of many friends and family.  We first met in a community group at our church, and everyone was able to witness how our relationship took shape and bloomed over a couple years.  We were spoiled to have such loving, committed relationships around us.  And, we were able to share our love and joy with all of them at our wedding-such fun!   Along with all of the glory, we have also had some difficulties.   It has been a wild ride for us so far.  I became an official military spouse, and had 4 moves within the first six months of marriage, but each transition has helped us to learn how to trust and lean on each other and how to trust in God and lean on him for our source of strength.  We have been learning how to “leave and cleave” and how to survive while separated from all our family and friends.  We have been learning how to love each other despite our sinfulness and how to offer grace to each other, and accept the grace that God offers to us. 

Since J is in the Air Force, I have a feeling that moving and transition will become a regular part of my life.   In fact, we will have to move every 2-3 years, per Air Force rules, which makes it difficult to plan very far ahead in life or to know how to make roots.  The temptation is to focus on building roots wherever we currently are, but time is precious and fleeting and I am thinking that it would be a better plan to root our relationship in the Lord, rather in a location.  Moving to the Gulf Coast has been hard for us.  Neither of us have been overly enamored with the location-it is hot, humid, and they have some really big bugs here.  Eww.   The tea is beyond super sweet, and for someone who doesn’t like seafood-it’s not the best location for culinary delights. 

However, I think the thing that has been most difficult for us is our current lack of community.  I don’t think either of us realized just how good we had it in St. Louis.  We were surrounded by friends and mentors that we could trust with anything and we were never lacking for social interaction or engagement.  It is one of those things where you don’t realize how good (or how important) what you have is until it is gone.  Since I am new to the whole military spouse thing (let’s face it, I’m still new to the whole being a spouse thing!) I have tried being what I thought other military spouses are like so that I could fit in.  I act proper, and polite, offer to cook meals for others, smile lots, dote on my husband, etc.  The problem with this is that it doesn’t work well when that is not who you really are.  I am much more of a say-it-like-it-is, rough around the edges, but will love your pants off kind of gal.

Community and connection, in my opinion, should be about living life and getting in the nitty gritty of honest living with those around you.  It doesn’t look pretty (like in the movies) but it is real, and life changing, and lifesaving!  Although we haven’t found that down here yet, we continue to search for a church, and for a community where we can do that.  Knowing we will move again within the next 1-2 years doesn’t mean I get to opt out on relationships where I am.  It means that even more so-I need to be intentional about keeping rooted to God, and loving others well.  I need to work to love my husband well, and to love my neighbors, co-workers, and fellow military spouses.  Not just because they are all deserving of love, but because community is essential to our survival.  Community provides a way for God to love on us and for us to share his love with others.   It is how we can grow and stretch individually and as a couple.  It is how we can have peace, hope, and joy in the midst of difficult and stressful circumstances and the good ones!

~Written by Nicole Morgan M.A., LPC

It Won't Always Feel Like This

Currently, recently, and for a while I have been in a season I could never have predicted and I can't believe is still in effect. I have been acutely aware its just a season but the exhaustion, the stuckness, the deadening of my heart linger on and threaten hopelessness. Most days, as long as I remember it is a season and seasons change, I am content in the inbetween. But you can tell by my language, its not easy. Whether you prefer to hear it from the Byrd's or the Bible, there is such wisdom in choosing a perspective that embraces the particular truth: "To every thing there is a season." Check it out...
Byrd's

Bible

It wasn't until I had my first child that I deeply grasped the idea of season. I laugh and grieve as I tell people that as my baby grew, I kept noticing a pattern of figuring out what her bedtime should be, what she liked, etc. and as soon as I did, it changed.  Having an infant is an exaggerated experience in beginning and ending seasons.  On a more general level, seasons are things like being in school, looking for a new job, raising children, caring for aging parents, retirement. Seasons can also look like a time of inspiration, depression, gratefulness, or bitterness. A season is something that you experience that is limited to a short-ish period of time. A season could last a decade or two or three, but common use of the word refers to something lasting weeks, months, or a couple of years.  

As it relates to suffering, the principal of season is comforting in that the thing you are currently experiencing, the feeling you're currently having, the limits you're currently bound by, inevitably will not remain the same. It won't always feel like this.

In the meantime, while you're "stuck" in this season, without minimizing the real pain you're feeling, may I suggest accepting this season?  Save your energy for the necessary struggles of your day and release the struggle against the season. Trust that it will not always be like this. You will not always be like this. There is hope in a loving God who has good plans for your future. (Jer 29:11) There is hope in the inevitability of change. There is hope.

Even Suffering is Grace

On the rare occasions I get to soak up some time in a coffee shop, I usually feel overwhelmed by the stream of people coming and going who seem to have it all together. Whether dressed in a business suit or yoga pants, each person in their own way appears more “Ok” than I feel. Today must be opposite day because 90% of what I’ve witnessed in the last 30 minutes at Einstein Bros has been heartbreaking.  A family of 5 with active young children who have brought their parents to a place of apparent hopelessness. An elderly man who unbelievably managed to avoid hitting the cars around him as he parallel parked. Even more amazingly, he navigated the busy street while wielding his cane and an armful of Imo’s, made it back to his car, placed the treats in the backseat and once again drove off, barely avoiding swiping nearby cars. Wow. A mother with her daughter and toddler grandson each reeling in their own self-protective way from the heinous interaction between them right there at the lunch table. For once I feel like I fit in.

Each one of us is desperately in need of something to save us from the darkness and pain that follow us everywhere, every day, even to Einstein Bros Bagels on a Sunday afternoon. No one can escape the pursuit of evil. It’s after us. Often, it gets really close to us. But I am reminded, we have a Savior who won’t let evil “get” us. On this earth we will suffer, and it won’t be pretty. But we’ll never suffer alone and we’ll never lose the war.

 When it comes to suffering, it is entirely too easy for me to think God isn’t enough for me or that I’m not enough for God.  On days I feel defeated I can be persuaded that my problems are too big for even God. It would require a miracle to see real change and I tell myself God doesn’t do miracles anymore.  On days I’m feeling insignificant, I can be persuaded that I’m not important enough for God to care about my car trouble or lost wallet or frustrating morning. But He does! This graphic was a comforting reminder, until I thought further about it….

When you face life-compromising illness, devastating loss, or terrifying threat, after pleading with the Lord for a while and not seeing the improvement you desire, it becomes easy to begin doubting Him. Though you once may have known nothing is out of the reach of our Lord, you begin to wonder if He can’t trump free will. Or maybe it’s just that He can’t make something of nothing. It becomes comforting even, to think he just isn’t able to do what we’re asking. That feels more comfortable than facing the truth that He is fully powerful and able, but choosing not to grant our request for what seems like something so small. Usually we’re just asking for a little relief, a little justice, a little love. This is when we begin asking the question the walls in my office are saturated with: How could a loving God hear my prayers and do nothing to help?

The pat, possibly trite-sounding answers I hear are:

-Later, you may thank God for unanswered prayers

-You may not be seeing how He is answering your prayers in a different way than you expect

-Because He loves us He allows us free will and what you’re experiencing could be the consequences of yours or someone else’s sin

-All of your suffering will be used for a purpose, for His glory

…..there’s more but you get the point.

While there is truth in each of these ideas, I’ve been trying to focus on another direction of thoughts about suffering.

Something we do as humans, is dividing the world into two categories: good and bad. At the very least we evaluate our experiences as good ones and bad ones. Keeping our lives divided into these two categories turns into an exhausting effort to keep two warring selves bound together in the one brain. There’s a part that hurts and grieves and suffers, and a part that rejoices and celebrates and enjoys. The way I experience and interact with the world when I judge something bad, is markedly different that the way I experience and interact when I’ve judged something good. The one side of my brain just doesn't look at things the same way the other does. An ideal, a more whole way of living, is to integrate each of our parts, good and bad, into one.  As a personal goal, I’m working on shades of grey with the hope that the shades I see become lighter and lighter. If I could see all things as good on some level, not because I see the good in them but because I have faith they will be used for good, I could see all things as grace. And when God did not answer my prayers in a way I could understand or see, I could choose to see His response as grace.   How do you do this in the midst of suffering? How do you do this when you’re being abused or your child dies, or you become homeless? Honestly, I don’t know. The best directive I give myself is to use my stubborn strong will that I’ve been using for my own purposes, to instead accomplish God’s will for me--becoming more like His son. 

We serve a God who is without a doubt powerful enough to do anything you ask and anything He chooses. So ask. And ask and ask. The Lord delights in you sharing your heart with Him, and when you do, He will be there with you. There is nothing too small for Him to get worked up about, cry over, or celebrate with you. You will find rest in Him. But if and when life continues to feel hard, try this out. Choose to view what you would have labeled “bad” as helpful, useful, purposeful, or if you’re really brave, “good.”

The Shaping Role of Relationships

All of us have been impacted by relationships. We learned at a very young age from our primary caregivers whether the world was safe and if we were cherished. These two beliefs continued to be foundational as we grew and entered into new relationships. Some of these relationships we chose while others where chosen for us. Some of these relationships brought more joy, laughter, and validation, while others inflicted sorrow, hurt, and pain. Relationships, even those that ended, have shaped our identity, worth, and beliefs today. Join us for a 12 week group as we explore the shaping role of relationships in our lives and learn empowering skills to promote healthy relationships.
                                                                                                        -Addie

"Welcome!" to our Newest Counselor

Around here, it seems that the theme of 2015, could be "change." As much as we talk with others about their experience of change and the bravery required to walk into the process of change while remaining open and vulnerable, you'd think we'd know how to do it better! Thankfully much of the change we're experiencing is positive, and welcoming our newest counselor, Addie Shrimpton, is a positive change we are fully enjoying. Addie is joining us as an intern and offers her services for much reduced rates. She is in the Masters in Counseling program at Covenant Seminary and has been doing great work at Morgan Counseling Services. Please feel free to refer to her or call to find out more.

A little about Addie...

"I was born and raised in Louisville, KY. I never thought I would call somewhere else home, but my husband and I have grown to love St. Louis. We have a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named Jack that we both adore. Jack doesn’t know a stranger and has helped us to connect with new people wherever we go. I believe we were made to connect and be in relationship with one another. Relationships where we can receive love and give love. Relationships in which we can be known and in turn know others. Unfortunately, not all relationships are this way. Some can be painful and broken. My hope is to be a safe and secure relationship for clients. I desire to walk alongside my client as we delight in the beauty and mourn the brokenness in one’s story. I long to be a source of encouragement and provide hope to every person I get the privilege of sitting with." 

Lonely with My Words

In a number of ways, God has been focusing my attention on my misuse of words. In August, I read a chapter of Proverbs each day with some women from my church, which repeatedly and painfully reminded me of the importance of my words. For example:

Proverbs 11:12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.

 

 

Proverbs 25:15 Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.

 

Proverbs 15:28 The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked

gushes evil.

 

Proverbs 10:21 The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.

As a result of these reminders, I've been acutely focused on the power of my words on others. Occasionally I find myself using my words with my children in a way that causes shame or distancing.  I am reminded that our words are best used to lift up and redirect. I have been to several social occasions lately in which my mind became stuck on things I said and after seeing the potential harm in them, I wished I could take the words back. But words can never be taken back. You can apologize, you can repair, you can learn from your mistake, but you can never make the other person forget what you said.

This is a huge struggle for me. I'm a words person. Words are my biggest tool.  But I'm learning about myself, that words may be my biggest area of sin. I don't put others down or talk badly about others behind their backs. But I tend to say more than I should at times, and I don't always lift others up as much as I would like. I'm really not good at those times when saying nothing is the best thing to say. I've excused myself from guilt in this area by understanding that I'm a verbal processor and need to talk things out before I really know where I stand with them. I also find much joy, if not comfort, in being understood. What better way is there to be understood than expressing oneself in words? I, personally, find nothing more fulfilling than expressing myself and having another person completely get where I'm coming from. But as the Lord is challenging me here, I see that I am wrong to allow myself to continue saying things that do not lift others up. It feels incredibly lonely to consider holding my tongue, at times when I feel the need to process out loud or gather feedback.  Yet I believe this is the right thing for me to do. I'm not sure where the lines are...when to speak and when to use self control. I'm also not sure how to hold my tongue, and still show up fully. It would be so much easier to just not say anything at all.

Thoughts like "take up your cross" or "die to self" come to mind as inspirations to control my tongue. The way I've heard those ideas used make them feel legalistic, victim-like, and dead end-y. I want to take up my cross and die to self, and then turn my focus toward the love of my God. He knows how lonely this can be. He knows exactly what this feels like, and he's still asking it of me. There must be a righteous reason. I want to be called to something higher. I want to be part of something that matters. I want to love others well. If holding my tongue, and squirming in my own loneliness is part of that, I look forward to conquering the part of me that causes the most sin. I'll fail and regress and resent at times. But I'll try. So far, as I've entered this struggle, the Lord has not disappointed. For once, his promise that His yolk is easy and his burden is light, feels true. It's been the most delightful conviction I've ever been subject to. His love empowers me to hold my tongue and comforts me in my loneliness. I feel love, not shame, even as I fail and regress and resent.

Love Bravely Like Christ

While on maternity leave, in a rare moment of feeling rested for some unexplained reason, I made this. 

It hangs in our hall so we can't avoid looking at it the entire time it takes to make it from one end of the hall to the other. It is our family mission. I cannot say I do each of things things well, or all the time. But I do each of them sometimes, with varying levels of success. My hope and prayer is that as we focus on being the family described on my wall, other people (who know nothing of my art) will think to describe us using words like these.

As I walk the hall over and over each day, I wonder about each line. What does is mean to be vulnerable? Which vulnerabilities are good to share with whom? How real do I want to be? When am I speaking the truth in love and when am I using the truth to justify my sin, blame others, harbor hatred, or be bossy? Every line in this piece of art causes me to stop and examine my heart. The last line, however, really stumps me. I have no confusion about the idea that loving as Christ did is the the essence of being alive. What confounds me, is what it looks like to love bravely like Christ? When I think about my clients, I'm pretty sure loving like Christ looks like requiring a sex addicted man to participate in treatment, not continuing therapy with someone who wants to use attending but not working in therapy as a way to say they've tried, listening with interest when someone tells the same story of being hurt multiple times, extending grace when a client has lost their job and cannot pay for my time, and obviously, caring deeply for each person who spends time on my couch. Loving bravely like Christ, is entirely different when it comes to my own life.

In my own life, sometimes I just don't know what it means to love. Most often I have a sense of what is NOT loving bravely like Christ. If God uses our troubles and failures to offer redemption, shouldn't I utilize my own troubles and failures to help redeem moments here on earth? I will pray for you and you pray for me, that we might learn from our mistakes and grow to be more like Christ in how we love others.  Otherwise, we're not even really alive.