Lonely with My Words

In a number of ways, God has been focusing my attention on my misuse of words. In August, I read a chapter of Proverbs each day with some women from my church, which repeatedly and painfully reminded me of the importance of my words. For example:

Proverbs 11:12 A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.

 

 

Proverbs 25:15 Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.

 

Proverbs 15:28 The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked

gushes evil.

 

Proverbs 10:21 The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.

As a result of these reminders, I've been acutely focused on the power of my words on others. Occasionally I find myself using my words with my children in a way that causes shame or distancing.  I am reminded that our words are best used to lift up and redirect. I have been to several social occasions lately in which my mind became stuck on things I said and after seeing the potential harm in them, I wished I could take the words back. But words can never be taken back. You can apologize, you can repair, you can learn from your mistake, but you can never make the other person forget what you said.

This is a huge struggle for me. I'm a words person. Words are my biggest tool.  But I'm learning about myself, that words may be my biggest area of sin. I don't put others down or talk badly about others behind their backs. But I tend to say more than I should at times, and I don't always lift others up as much as I would like. I'm really not good at those times when saying nothing is the best thing to say. I've excused myself from guilt in this area by understanding that I'm a verbal processor and need to talk things out before I really know where I stand with them. I also find much joy, if not comfort, in being understood. What better way is there to be understood than expressing oneself in words? I, personally, find nothing more fulfilling than expressing myself and having another person completely get where I'm coming from. But as the Lord is challenging me here, I see that I am wrong to allow myself to continue saying things that do not lift others up. It feels incredibly lonely to consider holding my tongue, at times when I feel the need to process out loud or gather feedback.  Yet I believe this is the right thing for me to do. I'm not sure where the lines are...when to speak and when to use self control. I'm also not sure how to hold my tongue, and still show up fully. It would be so much easier to just not say anything at all.

Thoughts like "take up your cross" or "die to self" come to mind as inspirations to control my tongue. The way I've heard those ideas used make them feel legalistic, victim-like, and dead end-y. I want to take up my cross and die to self, and then turn my focus toward the love of my God. He knows how lonely this can be. He knows exactly what this feels like, and he's still asking it of me. There must be a righteous reason. I want to be called to something higher. I want to be part of something that matters. I want to love others well. If holding my tongue, and squirming in my own loneliness is part of that, I look forward to conquering the part of me that causes the most sin. I'll fail and regress and resent at times. But I'll try. So far, as I've entered this struggle, the Lord has not disappointed. For once, his promise that His yolk is easy and his burden is light, feels true. It's been the most delightful conviction I've ever been subject to. His love empowers me to hold my tongue and comforts me in my loneliness. I feel love, not shame, even as I fail and regress and resent.