I Don't Have Time for God

Although it may seem upon first glance, that I have forgotten about this blog, I have not. Remembering has been a thorn in my side since my last post in December. I want to write, I thoroughly enjoy writing. However, not a single post since the beginning of this blog has been my own writing. I have edited and compiled in a way that I hoped appeared to be blogging. Even if I fooled some of you, which is unlikely, I have not fooled myself. I just don't have time to do it as well I would like.


I have a relative who in the past, used the phrase "I don't have time," until it was broken down and useless in her vocabulary. When I heard it used I imagined rolling my eyes and shouting, "Get over it!" What I was thinking was that if she managed her time differently, prioritized better, or set better boundaries, she wouldn't have that problem. I never viewed lacking time as an actual, valid dilemma. I thought it was purely the result of poor choices.


To some extent I still believe this. It is our society that is to blame, for suggesting we put so much on our plates, in order to measure up to the "norm". If Americans valued humans as much as they do output, I don't think we'd be in the time dilemma we find ourselves. Recently I've been having problems with my computer and several days I've been without a computer at work. Those days have been the most relaxed, client-focused days I've had in years. It has caused me to contemplate intentionally leaving my computer at home once a week, or some other manner of regularly releasing myself from the chains of technology. Doing so allows me time to do things I normally tell myself I don't have time to do, like updating the year stickers on my charts, and organizing my office. When I'm really taking care of myself I'll read or pray or reflect.


The realization I've had over the last 6 months, is that no matter how well one manages his or her time, there are still times when there just isn't enough time. I've tried to explain with logic and evidence, why my life suddenly got so busy and still fail to understand what happened exactly. All I know is that beginning January of 2011, I have been so busy, I don't have time. I don't have time for friends, I don't have time to clean, I don't have time to think (which I really miss). Sometimes I don't have time to shower. And there is no better way to rearrange my day that will solve my lack of time dilemma. There is nothing I feel comfortable cutting out of my life. There is no way to prioritize better or use better boundaries to protect my time, and still honor myself and others the way I feel is important.


The worst part is that during this season of being flat out of time, I find myself going to bed every night, apologizing to God for not having spent more time with him. Not having spent any time with him. I've been reminded by friends and family that I think about God and think toward God all day long. Those things count. But there is a felt loss around the absence of quality time, listening time, learning time with God. I feel I am missing out on Him, but more painfully, I feel guilty. Where are the lines, here? When is it OK to accept grace and let yourself off the hook because the cat is vomiting a dirty diaper, the air conditioner broke, and you're doing the work of two people? When do I need to use better boundaries and priorities and say "Enough is enough. God comes first and I don't care if the roof falls in, I'm talking to Him right now."



The Lord is loving and merciful, slow to become angry and full of constant love. Psalms 145:8


I've come to rest in a place where I know God loves me even when I'm not doing a quiet time. At all. I don't always go to church, I don't pray every single day, I seldom read my Bible for the purpose of meeting with Him. Yet I have peace, that because of His grace, he gets it. He knows my human limitations and forgives me everyday when I ask. He meets me where I am and speaks to me in ways I can hear in the midst of the busyness. He does not let me forget my sin. Regularly, he reminds me to check my intentions. Do I really not have enough time today or am I avoiding Him? He hears my heart, and my ache to be closer to Him. I believe that's all He wants. Our hearts. Hopefully our hearts being in love with Him would lead to spiritual disciplines being lived out. When it doens't mean that, He is graceful to offer his covering over where we fall short. Whether its not enough time, energy, motivation, focus, desire, or direction that you struggle with, check your sin, respond, and remember he's no less adoring of you.



What a relief, because in this moment, I don't have time for God.



Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23