Even Suffering is Grace

On the rare occasions I get to soak up some time in a coffee shop, I usually feel overwhelmed by the stream of people coming and going who seem to have it all together. Whether dressed in a business suit or yoga pants, each person in their own way appears more “Ok” than I feel. Today must be opposite day because 90% of what I’ve witnessed in the last 30 minutes at Einstein Bros has been heartbreaking.  A family of 5 with active young children who have brought their parents to a place of apparent hopelessness. An elderly man who unbelievably managed to avoid hitting the cars around him as he parallel parked. Even more amazingly, he navigated the busy street while wielding his cane and an armful of Imo’s, made it back to his car, placed the treats in the backseat and once again drove off, barely avoiding swiping nearby cars. Wow. A mother with her daughter and toddler grandson each reeling in their own self-protective way from the heinous interaction between them right there at the lunch table. For once I feel like I fit in.

Each one of us is desperately in need of something to save us from the darkness and pain that follow us everywhere, every day, even to Einstein Bros Bagels on a Sunday afternoon. No one can escape the pursuit of evil. It’s after us. Often, it gets really close to us. But I am reminded, we have a Savior who won’t let evil “get” us. On this earth we will suffer, and it won’t be pretty. But we’ll never suffer alone and we’ll never lose the war.

 When it comes to suffering, it is entirely too easy for me to think God isn’t enough for me or that I’m not enough for God.  On days I feel defeated I can be persuaded that my problems are too big for even God. It would require a miracle to see real change and I tell myself God doesn’t do miracles anymore.  On days I’m feeling insignificant, I can be persuaded that I’m not important enough for God to care about my car trouble or lost wallet or frustrating morning. But He does! This graphic was a comforting reminder, until I thought further about it….

When you face life-compromising illness, devastating loss, or terrifying threat, after pleading with the Lord for a while and not seeing the improvement you desire, it becomes easy to begin doubting Him. Though you once may have known nothing is out of the reach of our Lord, you begin to wonder if He can’t trump free will. Or maybe it’s just that He can’t make something of nothing. It becomes comforting even, to think he just isn’t able to do what we’re asking. That feels more comfortable than facing the truth that He is fully powerful and able, but choosing not to grant our request for what seems like something so small. Usually we’re just asking for a little relief, a little justice, a little love. This is when we begin asking the question the walls in my office are saturated with: How could a loving God hear my prayers and do nothing to help?

The pat, possibly trite-sounding answers I hear are:

-Later, you may thank God for unanswered prayers

-You may not be seeing how He is answering your prayers in a different way than you expect

-Because He loves us He allows us free will and what you’re experiencing could be the consequences of yours or someone else’s sin

-All of your suffering will be used for a purpose, for His glory

…..there’s more but you get the point.

While there is truth in each of these ideas, I’ve been trying to focus on another direction of thoughts about suffering.

Something we do as humans, is dividing the world into two categories: good and bad. At the very least we evaluate our experiences as good ones and bad ones. Keeping our lives divided into these two categories turns into an exhausting effort to keep two warring selves bound together in the one brain. There’s a part that hurts and grieves and suffers, and a part that rejoices and celebrates and enjoys. The way I experience and interact with the world when I judge something bad, is markedly different that the way I experience and interact when I’ve judged something good. The one side of my brain just doesn't look at things the same way the other does. An ideal, a more whole way of living, is to integrate each of our parts, good and bad, into one.  As a personal goal, I’m working on shades of grey with the hope that the shades I see become lighter and lighter. If I could see all things as good on some level, not because I see the good in them but because I have faith they will be used for good, I could see all things as grace. And when God did not answer my prayers in a way I could understand or see, I could choose to see His response as grace.   How do you do this in the midst of suffering? How do you do this when you’re being abused or your child dies, or you become homeless? Honestly, I don’t know. The best directive I give myself is to use my stubborn strong will that I’ve been using for my own purposes, to instead accomplish God’s will for me--becoming more like His son. 

We serve a God who is without a doubt powerful enough to do anything you ask and anything He chooses. So ask. And ask and ask. The Lord delights in you sharing your heart with Him, and when you do, He will be there with you. There is nothing too small for Him to get worked up about, cry over, or celebrate with you. You will find rest in Him. But if and when life continues to feel hard, try this out. Choose to view what you would have labeled “bad” as helpful, useful, purposeful, or if you’re really brave, “good.”