On Dating in 2012: Are You Serious, God?

I have had the unfortunate opportunity of reentering the dating world in my mid-thirties. Thankfully, after a few years of that type of torture, God has blessed me with an incredible man I plan to marry. Even now, in the midst of our engagement, I say to the Lord, “Are you serious?”

The dating culture for post-college Christians is all but miserable, in my opinion. We want to meet like-minded others, for the prospect of marriage, yet the avenues through which this is available are pitifully limited. Whether we choose online dating, speed dating, dating services, or blind dates, the process is often exhausting, exposing, and yields minimal results. After months or years of the roller coaster of having our hopes heightened and quickly crushed, many of us fall to a place of blaming God. You are the one who created this world full of sin, and you did it knowing the outcome. You knew in the beginning of time, what 2012 would look like and how hard dating would be in a culture that has such little respect for humanity and even less respect for the institution of marriage. I find myself checking the skies occasionally, making sure there’s no sulfur leaking out. How can you ask us to seek and offer love in an environment such as this?

I have been reminded of the scripture that says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. The thought is superficially comforting, until I find myself thinking…Ok, but when?

I’ve also been told I should “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” Matthew 7:7. Yes, if I ask for salvation, or forgiveness of sin, or something similar, this is surely true. But when it comes to asking for a man to marry, or a particular job, or having children, I realize my thoughts are not God’s thoughts and He may know something that makes those things not the best thing for me. So it’s not accurate to say anything you ask with faith, shall be granted. Stop telling me I haven’t asked God enough or had enough faith to have what I want.

“Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10. Now, this is a scripture that comforts me. This reminds me that victory is mine, because I am God’s. Victory may require me to adjust my expectations of what something will look like, when it will happen, and how it will happen. But I should not be afraid or discouraged because God will strengthen me and help me. What I feel like I can’t face, he will give me the strength to face. What I feel like I can’t possibly accept, he will help me accept. And in the end, He will be victorious. And so will I.

In the meantime, the idea of continuing to long for things, and at the same time knowing I may never get them, is daunting. The pain of hoping , sometimes feels worse than deciding what I want will never come to be. Hoping but not receiving, leaves me vacillating between wondering if there’s something wrong with me, and trying to accept that God’s grace and perfect timing are true and working in my life. The longings I have are supposedly gifts from the Lord, but when they are unmet, they feel more like deficiencies than gifts.

Philippians 4:11-13 says “…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” So I’m supposed to long AND be content in the Lord? Yes, I think that’s what the Bible says. This scripture tells us to learn to be content. Dozens of other scriptures tell us to hope. God is many things, some of them seemingly contradictory, all at once. He is just and merciful, He is present in the world, and transcends space and time. Here He’s telling us we need to be two seemingly contradictory things: hopeful, and content. Maybe your struggle is not with dating, but wanting a different job, a better relationship, more opportunities, or more children. Whatever your struggle, I encourage you to fully embrace your experience of frustration, disappointment, longing, and pain, and pursue contentment.

God’s purpose for us is sanctification-making us more like Christ, for His purposes. I can’t say I understand why God asks us to date and marry in a world where what we want in any particular moment, is the only thing that seems to matter to most Americans. I also don’t understand why when we’re brave enough to do that, we’re not always rewarded with someone to love. But I do trust God’s character (loving, omniscient, sovereign, merciful, etc.) and his purpose for us (sanctity and relationship with Him). And for those reasons, I will continue to long for the desires of my heart, shaking my fist when it feels necessary, and I will continue to seek contentment in His love.