O to Be Engaged: The Power of Presence

I recently committed myself to take part in an intimate professional retreat, consisting of 5 therapists and one leader. Over two days time, we explored dignity, depravity, fear, wrestling with God, and power, all of which are lusciously rich subjects that provide ample opportunity for discovery and growth. As I shared my personal reflections at the close of the retreat, I realized that over and above anything I gained in content, my heart had been deeply touched by the experience of being engaged. Our leader, a kind, gentle, and truth speaking man, come into our group and with little hesitation, and took on the task of engaging each of us as fully and completely as one could expect from another human. He listened to each of us, with defenseless ears of interest and understanding. He led and guided us as we sought to understand ideas like fear and depravity, as they relate to our own sin. He modeled quintessential patience and wisdom by challenging us when necessary, and taking a step back as needed. The essence of what this man did, that I called engaging, is also called emotional presence.

Emotional presence seems to be one of the recent terms tossed around by anyone and everyone, even those who have no idea what it means. My personal definition of the term, as it relates to others, is “interacting with another while fully experiencing your own thoughts and feelings, simultaneously allowing them to be available to the other.” When emotional presence is engaging, a person does the aforementioned while stepping into the world of their audience and interacting with it. Our leader walked into our worlds of problems, strengths, thoughts, and feelings, while also offering his own problems, strengths, thoughts and feelings. The result, at least for me, was life-giving.

The experience of having our leader “show up” for me, allowed me to feel valued and caused me to reach for the wisdom I yearned for. The opportunity to be accepted and listened to, became an opportunity to stretch and grow. Hearing myself describe the experience of enjoying our leader’s fully invested presence, helped me see I was feeling free and alive. I was feeling an aliveness to my desire to be poured into, believed in, and nudged on.  Oh, how I had been longing to be seen for who I am, accepted for exactly that, and given direction as to how to be more for myself and others. What a blessing to have these moments, in the presence of 4 treasured colleagues, to reacquaint me with my longing and nudge me in the direction of seeking it out.

I wonder as consumers, clients, and other readers consider my experience, what longings of their own, they relate this to? Besides the obvious things most of us want-money, stability, relationships, children, independence-what are your heart’s desires, that if met, could free you to go forward as a more alive, risk-taking, love-offering individual? What would your potential be if you were met with the emotional presence of another human, who accepted you for who you are and engaged you in your most difficult, ugly, shameful, challenging, and beautiful thoughts? What would be the potential if you were the one emotionally present and meeting others where they are? Both positions are opportunities for freedom from the chains of seeking other-validation, living based on shoulds, and loneliness. Are you aware of the extent of your loneliness that is based on self-protective hiding and emotional withholding? It is breaking our hearts each day, and much of the solution can be found in braving experiments in emotional presence.

By the grace of God, I was born the type that can’t help but be emotionally present. I’m forever intensely aware of my own thoughts and feelings, and at the same time highly invested in seeking out others’. I have laughed with friends and colleagues that I have no formal therapy to offer-no research based methodology or terminology, no techniques, theories, or assessments, I just have what I call “Jennifer Morgan therapy.” The therapy I do best, is just being me. I don’t know how great I am, but people keep coming back. So if any of what I’ve said appeals to you, drop me a line. And do so with presence.    

New GROUP at Morgan Counseling Services

  

 Do any of these characteristics describe you?

§  Always having to achieve more

§  Always thinking you need others’ approval

§  Feeling unworthy of love and deserving of punishment

§  Thinking you cannot change and are hopeless

“The journey begins with a very private place: your thoughts.  When I fail at something, I feel lousy about myself… When others don’t approve of me, I can’t seem to get over it… Sometimes it feels like I’ll never measure up… These are the universal lies that trigger the cycle of self-doubt, robbing you of joyful living. “  Robert McGee

Our 10-week Psychotherapy Group Study, based on the book Search For Significance, will aid you in finding help to:

§  Get off the performance treadmill

§  Build your self worth on Jesus, not on others

§  Trace and replace harmful emotions with God’s truth

§  Discover why your quests for meaning have not brought lasting happiness

 

Tuesdays, 6:30-8pm, beginning September 17^th

^{$20/group-Closed Group}

^{For more information or to join the group, please contact Sandy Kallaos, MA, PLPC at 636.236.8804}                                                                

                                                                                 

                                              11222 Tesson Ferry Road Ste 200 St. Louis, MO 63123

                                                www.morgancounselingservices.com

Gracefully Single

Gracefully Single

The art of living each day with gratitude for the unmerited favor of singleness, in all ways beautifying God’s creation; outwardly elegant, inwardly peaceful.

Depending on god for all my needs

Giving grace to others for not meeting my needs

Accepting grace for trying to meet my own needs

God will Redeem

 

                                                                                   

                                                                                     -Jennifer Morgan

An encouragement for my single friends and family

Self Care-God's Command

  
When was the last time you...
Slept 7, 8, or 9 hours in a row
Ate a balanced meal
Grabbed some solitude
Prayed, read your Bible, or journaled
Showered, shaved, or otherwise cared for your body
Spent time with a friend
Did something fun
Exercised
Took your meds correctly
Relaxed

If your answer to more than one of these items is "a week or more ago," you may need some help in the self-care department. Self-care is the thing that goes out the window, when we feel the demands placed on us require more than we have to give. Self-care is the thing that requires respect for who we are and who we are capable of being, in order to follow through with. Self-care is the thing that when used well, allows us to endure hard things, enjoy fun things, and make the best of average things. Self-care is being a good steward of the resources we've been blessed with.

Usually, when I'm having this conversation, one of the strongest and most common responses I receive is, "Isn't taking care of myself, selfish? The kids need dinner, my husband wants the house cleaned, and I have to bring work home just so I can keep my job. There are only so many hours in the day. I'm just being selfish if I take a bath instead of feeding my children!" Maybe....

The Bible requires us to "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others." Philippians 2:4. This scripture is talking about placing others at a higher value than ourselves, but in order to place others at a higher value, we have to place ourselves as having some value. The scripture does not say, "only" look out for the interests of others. It says, "but also for the interests of others. This indicates that looking out for our own interest is acceptable as long as it is not the only thing we're looking out for.

The Bible also says "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31. Again, in order to love your neighbor as yourself, you must first love yourself. And this is included in the top two instructions we're given by the Lord! By all means, you better get yourself in that bathtub sometime SOON! It's not selfish to take care of yourself, it's only selfish to indulge when finances, time, or other factors suggest another choice would be better.

Sometimes our lack of self care is due to more than feeling selfish, poor boundaries, or poor time management. Hard times, whether that means relationship problems, financial strain, loss, depression, or something else, also keep us from taking care of ourselves. We forget the value of setting aside time for ourselves, we don't have the energy to exercise, and we don't feel like making a date with friends. More important things like paying the bills, spending time at the hospital with Mom, or having another fight with our spouse, steal our time and energy. These are the most important times to invest in self-care activities. Without proper sleep, nutrition, exercise, and emotional care, we cannot possibly step into the harsh realities of our lives in a way that allows us to fully own our reactions and take appropriate action. The best chance you have at conquering the biggest challenge in your life, begins with ensuring you remain committed to self-care in the process. Not only is it necessary for healthy functioning, but it's good practice for the harder acts of self love in your life. Things like ending a relationship, changing your spending habits, seeking counseling, or quitting your unhealthy job.

So whether it be eating better, sleeping better, getting a massage, or saying "No" once in a while, start small and get big. Get big about putting you higher on the priority list. Get big about acknowledging the difference between the you that's tired and stressed, and the you that can think straight because you didn't answer that call and got to bed earlier. Get big about taking care of the resources God blessed you with (your mind and body), instead of running them into the ground. Taking care of ourselves is not only something we shouldn't feel guilty about, but something we should feel proud to let others see. Let's show 'em how it's done!

On Dating in 2012: Are You Serious, God?

I have had the unfortunate opportunity of reentering the dating world in my mid-thirties. Thankfully, after a few years of that type of torture, God has blessed me with an incredible man I plan to marry. Even now, in the midst of our engagement, I say to the Lord, “Are you serious?”

The dating culture for post-college Christians is all but miserable, in my opinion. We want to meet like-minded others, for the prospect of marriage, yet the avenues through which this is available are pitifully limited. Whether we choose online dating, speed dating, dating services, or blind dates, the process is often exhausting, exposing, and yields minimal results. After months or years of the roller coaster of having our hopes heightened and quickly crushed, many of us fall to a place of blaming God. You are the one who created this world full of sin, and you did it knowing the outcome. You knew in the beginning of time, what 2012 would look like and how hard dating would be in a culture that has such little respect for humanity and even less respect for the institution of marriage. I find myself checking the skies occasionally, making sure there’s no sulfur leaking out. How can you ask us to seek and offer love in an environment such as this?

I have been reminded of the scripture that says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. The thought is superficially comforting, until I find myself thinking…Ok, but when?

I’ve also been told I should “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” Matthew 7:7. Yes, if I ask for salvation, or forgiveness of sin, or something similar, this is surely true. But when it comes to asking for a man to marry, or a particular job, or having children, I realize my thoughts are not God’s thoughts and He may know something that makes those things not the best thing for me. So it’s not accurate to say anything you ask with faith, shall be granted. Stop telling me I haven’t asked God enough or had enough faith to have what I want.

“Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10. Now, this is a scripture that comforts me. This reminds me that victory is mine, because I am God’s. Victory may require me to adjust my expectations of what something will look like, when it will happen, and how it will happen. But I should not be afraid or discouraged because God will strengthen me and help me. What I feel like I can’t face, he will give me the strength to face. What I feel like I can’t possibly accept, he will help me accept. And in the end, He will be victorious. And so will I.

In the meantime, the idea of continuing to long for things, and at the same time knowing I may never get them, is daunting. The pain of hoping , sometimes feels worse than deciding what I want will never come to be. Hoping but not receiving, leaves me vacillating between wondering if there’s something wrong with me, and trying to accept that God’s grace and perfect timing are true and working in my life. The longings I have are supposedly gifts from the Lord, but when they are unmet, they feel more like deficiencies than gifts.

Philippians 4:11-13 says “…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” So I’m supposed to long AND be content in the Lord? Yes, I think that’s what the Bible says. This scripture tells us to learn to be content. Dozens of other scriptures tell us to hope. God is many things, some of them seemingly contradictory, all at once. He is just and merciful, He is present in the world, and transcends space and time. Here He’s telling us we need to be two seemingly contradictory things: hopeful, and content. Maybe your struggle is not with dating, but wanting a different job, a better relationship, more opportunities, or more children. Whatever your struggle, I encourage you to fully embrace your experience of frustration, disappointment, longing, and pain, and pursue contentment.

God’s purpose for us is sanctification-making us more like Christ, for His purposes. I can’t say I understand why God asks us to date and marry in a world where what we want in any particular moment, is the only thing that seems to matter to most Americans. I also don’t understand why when we’re brave enough to do that, we’re not always rewarded with someone to love. But I do trust God’s character (loving, omniscient, sovereign, merciful, etc.) and his purpose for us (sanctity and relationship with Him). And for those reasons, I will continue to long for the desires of my heart, shaking my fist when it feels necessary, and I will continue to seek contentment in His love.

If I could have just one wish

If I could have just one wish, the ugliest of emotions, would viciously cage my heart. Contempt would rule, and the castle of my being would crumble. All the longing I’ve worked to allow, would be ripped away leaving my soul as nothing more than a shell, housing one single, solitary, empty wish. One wish, allows miniscule amounts of hope to survive. One wish only, crushes the infinite blessing of dreaming- the place where redemption never ceases and beauty is always available. One wish steals the desire that drives me to seek and find, try and learn, work and succeed. One wish is robbery. For the act of wishing, is in itself, often more life-giving, than the wish coming true.

-Jennifer Morgan

Woe to Winter

I've heard some people recently insisting they love winter. Given the mild winter we're having, I haven't put up much resistance to their optimism. But had I been asked my opinion, I would reply, "Winter sucks! The cold is paralyzing, the wind is harsh and biting, and walking in snow feels like moving in the shallow end of a swimming pool." Every year I become burdened with the heaviness of winter. Sometimes to the degree of seasonal depression, other times I'm blessed to only become a little down, apathetic, or discouraged. This year, likely because of its mildness, winter has only brought me down a little. I find myself feeling unmotivated, irritated, and largely stagnant. My heart longs for growth and renewal, yet the prospect of it becomes too exhausting to pursue.





A conversation with a colleague recently reminded me, one of the best techniques we have to treat depression. The idea that often, depression is simply helped by doing something. Anything. One of the most prevalent symptoms of depression is lack of motivation; not caring enough to force oneself to do something when we don't feel like it. When clients tell me, "Yes, Jennifer, that's a good idea. But when the time comes, I just don't feel like doing it." My response is usually, "That's OK. But I think it would help you to do it anyway." Inevitably, they will do it, even though they don't feel like it, and they will begin to feel better. Not because that particular action worked any kind of miracle, but because one thing leads to another. One positive action leads to another positive thought or action, which leads to another to another to another. When it comes to depression, doing something will almost always be better than doing nothing.





This is advice I could use when winter has me feeling stuck and stubborn. Rather than becoming paralyzed when life feels too dense to step into, I would like to remember that if I do something, anything, I will likely feel better about doing the next thing. One step at a time.





At the same time, I would like to advise myself to sink into winter. The cold, sometimes dark days, present good opportunities to curl up and watch a movie, or read a book. Whether I'm choosing to do this, or feel like its the only choice possible, I would like to allow myself to enjoy these moments. Because the Lord knows, summer will soon be here, and the heat and overwhelming busyness of the season will cause me to write a blog entitled, "Woe to Summer, Give Us Some Rain!"