We look forward to the holidays all year long. Yet, when the time comes, they are often met with some resistance, particularly in regard to facing family members. This is especially true when there is a complicating situation, such as grief, infertility, divorce, or depression. Without suggesting one can conquer the holiday season with a list of coping To Do's, here are a few ideas about coping with these particular situations.
For all Families
Make a holiday budget and stick to it. Money is a major stressor for many and one of the most common topics of conflict in marriage. The holiday season has been shaped by our "If I want it I should have it" culture and its is wise to catch yourself becoming too focused on the material aspect of Christmas. It is Christ we're celebrating!
Watch your eating habits. I believe everyone should benefit from the wide array of food choices available this time of year. But it doesn't take much to overeat or emotional eat. Challenge your motives when making food choices and allow yourself treats within healthy proportions.
Much of the problem-specific advice below can be used by all:
Grief
Its difficult to work through the loss of someone or something when not everyone around you is doing the same. However, it is not helpful to hide your feelings or force yourself to get over it. You are not expected to be cheerful and easy going. If you're sad, be sad, if you're angry, be angry, if you're happy be happy. Don't hesitate to ask for help. Even little things can feel too big to tackle when you're coping with loss. Allow others to do things for you, it relieves you and blesses them when they are able to make a difference in your life. Keep things the same or make them different. You may want to keep all your habits and traditions the same as they have always been, as a way of honoring the person you lost, or you may want to change them completely, knowing they will not be the same without that person. Take your time coping with the loss. Now is not the time to begin sorting through belongings or pushing through loss related tasks that feel overwhelming.
Infertility
The holidays and family gatherings are times that may remind you of what want but do not yet have. Hopefully being around family is a time of healing and support, unfortunately for many, it is not. When being with family is not helpful you may consider not going. This might be a good year to do Christmas differently and take a vacation to the beach. Even without leaving on a trip, it is OK to not attend the usual and expected functions. If you decide to participate, go into the event with a plan regarding what you will tell family and what you won't. There is nothing wrong with declining to answer or changing the subject. Craft a response to questions that makes you feel comfortable and be ready to let it fly. Lastly, don't feel it is rude to decline to hold babies, if it causes you to feel upset. If it is helpful, however, hoard those babies!
Divorce
Getting divorced will surely cause a person to re-evaluate his or her priorities. Rather than waiting till mid-December to decide how to handle the holidays, be proactive and re-evaluate now. This might be a good year to simplify the holiday festivities. At the very least, practice being flexible as the family learns about the reality of being divorced and how each person will manage it. Do not feel it necessary to set a precedence, out of fear that if it isn't the way you want it this year, it never will be. Divorced families are constantly changing as parents remarry, have more children, children leave home, and sometimes there are more divorces. Divorce hurts children most of all. This holiday season, talk with your kids about how your family has changed and support them in the specific ways each child needs. Create new traditions that are fun and provide the kids (and you) with a sense of control in the new circumstances.
Depression
There are some essential self-care measures that are important to keep in place if you are feeling depressed. These basic things include eating a proper portions of healthy foods (even if you don't feel hungry), maintaining a healthy sleep schedule, regular exercise, medication compliance (when meds are necessary), and keeping a daily routine. Because the winter months cause many people to feel down, you may also consider light therapy (using a full-spectrum light), vitamins, and supplements. A doctor can help you choose vitamins and supplements that are best for you. The Christmas season provides many opportunities to help others. When possible, make an effort to contribute to charity organizations or events, surprise someone with a gift, offer favors, or other things you would enjoy. Getting the focus off yourself and making someone's day brighter can do wonders for our mood. Limit alcohol use. It may be tempting to use alcohol to deaden anxiety or depression, but since alcohol is a depressant, it is more harmful than helpful. Lastly, check your expectations and make sure they are realistic.
Most of all, remember the reason for the season. It is Christ's sacrifice for our lives, that is cause for this fun time of year. Focus on relationships with God and with others. You will likely find it makes the holidays more enjoyable and more fulfilling.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Apps for Mental Health
I tried to find some of these on my iphone and could not locate them. But the concept is a great one! I will keep checking to see if any come up in my app searches, I would love to use it even if I'm not depressed.
Mental Health Apps: Like A 'Therapist In Your Pocket'
by Michelle Trudeau
May 24, 2010
As the computing power of cell phones increases, more and more sophisticated mobile apps are being developed for the mental health field. They're seen as a way to bridge periodic therapy sessions — a sort of 24-7 mobile therapist that can help with everything from quitting smoking to treating anxiety to detecting relapses in psychotic disorders.
These mobile technologies let users track their moods and experiences, providing a supplemental tool for psychiatrists and psychologists.
"It gives me an additional source of rich information of what the patient's life is like between sessions," says University of Pennsylvania researcher Dimitri Perivoliotis, who treats patients with schizophrenia. "It's almost like an electronic therapist, in a way, or a therapist in your pocket."
Here's how one of the apps, called "Mobile Therapy," works: Throughout the day at random times, a "mood map" pops up on a user's cell phone screen. "People drag a little red dot around that screen with their finger to indicate their current mood," says Dr. Margaret Morris, a clinical psychologist working at Intel Corp. and the app's designer. Users also can chart their energy levels, sleep patterns, activities, foods eaten and more, she says.
Gaining New Insights And Reducing Stress
Morris designed the app, which can be downloaded onto most cell phones, to try to help people manage the stress of everyday life, to improve their mental health and reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease.
Based on the information entered by the user, the app offers "therapeutic exercises" ranging from "breathing visualizations to progressive muscle relaxation" to useful ways to disengage from a stressful situation, Morris says. And the information the app captures can later be charted, printed out and reviewed. The idea is that users can look at a whole week of mood data to see if there are any connections between their mood and other factors happening in their lives, and record it into the app.
Morris' Mobile Therapy app has been beta-tested in 60 people, and "everyone who used it described new insights about their emotional variability" and said it helped reduce their stress, she says.
Her research was recently published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research, where she writes that by using the app, participants were able to increase "self-awareness in moments of stress, develop insights about their emotional patterns and practice new strategies for modulating stress reactions."
Helping Teens With Behavioral 'Homework'
Another mobile app being developed targets a large group of cell phone users: teenagers.
Alan Delahunty, a psychotherapist from Galway, Ireland, treats teens suffering from clinical depression using cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. An essential component of CBT is "homework," which involves patients keeping a daily diary, charting their moods, energy levels, sleep, activities, etc.
Typically, patients will bring their paper charts into their therapist to discuss them during their weekly therapy session. But many patients — especially teens — balk at doing the CBT homework, and many stop doing it.
Previous research suggests that patients who do their CBT homework assignments and practice them between sessions are the ones who benefit the most and benefit the most quickly.
Knowing this, researchers Gavin Doherty and Mark Matthews at Trinity College in Dublin developed a cell phone app that's being tested by a couple of dozen therapists throughout Ireland.
Delahunty, one of the testers of the "mobile mood diary," says it's a very useful tool.
"From a clinical point of view, I've found it a huge improvement over the pen-and-paper technique," Delahunty says. He adds that his young patients love the app and rarely miss doing their daily homework. They're pleasantly surprised that they can use their cell phones to help themselves in therapy. And when they come into therapy, he says, "You get a complete printout of their mood, their energy level, their sleep patterns, and any comments they've made over the week or two. And then you can put that down on the table in front of you, and use it to discuss the therapy with the young person."
Because teens are so comfortable with texting, Delahunty adds, "I'm getting more comments. And in some cases, it's really like narrative therapy, where you'd be getting a paragraph of text for each day, which brings out a richness in the therapy situation that you can explore then."
Psychiatrists, too, find the mobile mood diary a benefit by looking at the graphs, monitoring the young person's moods. "That was helpful to them, in deciding whether the young person should be on medication or change their dosage or whatever because it [the mobile mood diary] was a very accurate measurement of how the young person's mood was moving," Delahunty says.
Apps For Severe Depression, Schizophrenia
Another mental health app under development, called CBT MobilWork, is tailored to adults with severe depression.
It's a collaboration between Judy Callan, a researcher at the University of Pittsburgh, and computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University that Callan hopes to adapt for use in mental health programs for anxiety, phobias, eating disorders and more.
Callan describes how a typical patient might use this app, which tailors CBT homework to each user: "Say a patient just starts therapy and they're really depressed and they can hardly get out of bed. One of their homework assignments might be to, each day, just make your bed," Callan says.
Once the patient has successfully accomplished that task, the homework on the phone app will change, prompting and coaching the patient to take the next step.
There's also an app for one of the most intractable mental disorders: schizophrenia, which affects 1 percent of the U.S. population. It's for these patients that the University of Pennsylvania's Perivoliotis is developing innovative mobile technologies: palm-sized computers that chart a patient's moods and activities, for example; and a digital watch that has personalized scrolling messages. The messages on the watch can instruct a patient who hears voices, for example, to do exercises like deep breathing or muscle relaxation "to reduce the stress triggered by their voices," he says.
"One of our patients came in with chronic, constant auditory hallucinations that really controlled his life," Perivoliotis recalls. "The voices would threaten him that if he would go outside and do fun things, then terrible, catastrophic things would happen to him. He felt really enslaved by them. He felt no sense of control whatsoever."
So the therapist taught the patient a few simple behavioral exercises to reduce the severity of the voices. It's an exercise called the "look, point and name technique," Perivoliotis explains. "When a patient starts to hear voices, he applies the technique by looking at an object in the room, pointing to it and naming it aloud. He repeats this until he runs out of things to name."
Perivoliotis says "the technique usually results in reduced voice severity [i.e., the voices seem quieter or pause altogether], probably because the patient's attention is redirected away from them and because speaking competes with a brain mechanism involved in auditory hallucinations."
So the mobile therapy watch that this patient wore was programmed to remind him a few times a day to practice this technique to control the voices.
"It really did the trick," Perivoliotis says. The voices were dramatically reduced. "It kind of broke him out of the stream of voices and his internal preoccupation with them."
Exercises like these not only give the patient temporary relief from distressing symptoms but also, importantly, "they help to correct patients' inaccurate and dysfunctional beliefs about their symptoms — from, 'I have no control over the voices,' to, 'I do have some control over them,' " Perivoliotis says.
Mental Health Apps: Like A 'Therapist In Your Pocket'
by Michelle Trudeau
May 24, 2010
As the computing power of cell phones increases, more and more sophisticated mobile apps are being developed for the mental health field. They're seen as a way to bridge periodic therapy sessions — a sort of 24-7 mobile therapist that can help with everything from quitting smoking to treating anxiety to detecting relapses in psychotic disorders.
These mobile technologies let users track their moods and experiences, providing a supplemental tool for psychiatrists and psychologists.
"It gives me an additional source of rich information of what the patient's life is like between sessions," says University of Pennsylvania researcher Dimitri Perivoliotis, who treats patients with schizophrenia. "It's almost like an electronic therapist, in a way, or a therapist in your pocket."
Here's how one of the apps, called "Mobile Therapy," works: Throughout the day at random times, a "mood map" pops up on a user's cell phone screen. "People drag a little red dot around that screen with their finger to indicate their current mood," says Dr. Margaret Morris, a clinical psychologist working at Intel Corp. and the app's designer. Users also can chart their energy levels, sleep patterns, activities, foods eaten and more, she says.
Gaining New Insights And Reducing Stress
Morris designed the app, which can be downloaded onto most cell phones, to try to help people manage the stress of everyday life, to improve their mental health and reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease.
Based on the information entered by the user, the app offers "therapeutic exercises" ranging from "breathing visualizations to progressive muscle relaxation" to useful ways to disengage from a stressful situation, Morris says. And the information the app captures can later be charted, printed out and reviewed. The idea is that users can look at a whole week of mood data to see if there are any connections between their mood and other factors happening in their lives, and record it into the app.
Morris' Mobile Therapy app has been beta-tested in 60 people, and "everyone who used it described new insights about their emotional variability" and said it helped reduce their stress, she says.
Her research was recently published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research, where she writes that by using the app, participants were able to increase "self-awareness in moments of stress, develop insights about their emotional patterns and practice new strategies for modulating stress reactions."
Helping Teens With Behavioral 'Homework'
Another mobile app being developed targets a large group of cell phone users: teenagers.
Alan Delahunty, a psychotherapist from Galway, Ireland, treats teens suffering from clinical depression using cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. An essential component of CBT is "homework," which involves patients keeping a daily diary, charting their moods, energy levels, sleep, activities, etc.
Typically, patients will bring their paper charts into their therapist to discuss them during their weekly therapy session. But many patients — especially teens — balk at doing the CBT homework, and many stop doing it.
Previous research suggests that patients who do their CBT homework assignments and practice them between sessions are the ones who benefit the most and benefit the most quickly.
Knowing this, researchers Gavin Doherty and Mark Matthews at Trinity College in Dublin developed a cell phone app that's being tested by a couple of dozen therapists throughout Ireland.
Delahunty, one of the testers of the "mobile mood diary," says it's a very useful tool.
"From a clinical point of view, I've found it a huge improvement over the pen-and-paper technique," Delahunty says. He adds that his young patients love the app and rarely miss doing their daily homework. They're pleasantly surprised that they can use their cell phones to help themselves in therapy. And when they come into therapy, he says, "You get a complete printout of their mood, their energy level, their sleep patterns, and any comments they've made over the week or two. And then you can put that down on the table in front of you, and use it to discuss the therapy with the young person."
Because teens are so comfortable with texting, Delahunty adds, "I'm getting more comments. And in some cases, it's really like narrative therapy, where you'd be getting a paragraph of text for each day, which brings out a richness in the therapy situation that you can explore then."
Psychiatrists, too, find the mobile mood diary a benefit by looking at the graphs, monitoring the young person's moods. "That was helpful to them, in deciding whether the young person should be on medication or change their dosage or whatever because it [the mobile mood diary] was a very accurate measurement of how the young person's mood was moving," Delahunty says.
Apps For Severe Depression, Schizophrenia
Another mental health app under development, called CBT MobilWork, is tailored to adults with severe depression.
It's a collaboration between Judy Callan, a researcher at the University of Pittsburgh, and computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University that Callan hopes to adapt for use in mental health programs for anxiety, phobias, eating disorders and more.
Callan describes how a typical patient might use this app, which tailors CBT homework to each user: "Say a patient just starts therapy and they're really depressed and they can hardly get out of bed. One of their homework assignments might be to, each day, just make your bed," Callan says.
Once the patient has successfully accomplished that task, the homework on the phone app will change, prompting and coaching the patient to take the next step.
There's also an app for one of the most intractable mental disorders: schizophrenia, which affects 1 percent of the U.S. population. It's for these patients that the University of Pennsylvania's Perivoliotis is developing innovative mobile technologies: palm-sized computers that chart a patient's moods and activities, for example; and a digital watch that has personalized scrolling messages. The messages on the watch can instruct a patient who hears voices, for example, to do exercises like deep breathing or muscle relaxation "to reduce the stress triggered by their voices," he says.
"One of our patients came in with chronic, constant auditory hallucinations that really controlled his life," Perivoliotis recalls. "The voices would threaten him that if he would go outside and do fun things, then terrible, catastrophic things would happen to him. He felt really enslaved by them. He felt no sense of control whatsoever."
So the therapist taught the patient a few simple behavioral exercises to reduce the severity of the voices. It's an exercise called the "look, point and name technique," Perivoliotis explains. "When a patient starts to hear voices, he applies the technique by looking at an object in the room, pointing to it and naming it aloud. He repeats this until he runs out of things to name."
Perivoliotis says "the technique usually results in reduced voice severity [i.e., the voices seem quieter or pause altogether], probably because the patient's attention is redirected away from them and because speaking competes with a brain mechanism involved in auditory hallucinations."
So the mobile therapy watch that this patient wore was programmed to remind him a few times a day to practice this technique to control the voices.
"It really did the trick," Perivoliotis says. The voices were dramatically reduced. "It kind of broke him out of the stream of voices and his internal preoccupation with them."
Exercises like these not only give the patient temporary relief from distressing symptoms but also, importantly, "they help to correct patients' inaccurate and dysfunctional beliefs about their symptoms — from, 'I have no control over the voices,' to, 'I do have some control over them,' " Perivoliotis says.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
What is Life Coaching?
Life Coaching is a profession that is profoundly different from consulting, mentoring, advice, therapy, or counseling. The coaching process addresses specific personal projects, business successes, general circumstances and transitions in the client's personal life or profession by examining what is going on right now, discovering what obstacles or challenges might exist, and choosing a course of action to make your life what you want it to be.
Effective solution focused coaching supports people to focus on what they want and find creative ways move forward. Yet, many of us are focusing on what we don't want. Think about how often you spend time worrying, scared, stressed, etc. Most likely you are focusing on what you don't want to happen or what you don't like about something or someone. A credentialed life coach will NOT try to 'fix' you. She or he will empower you, through questions, to discover, learn, grow and create more of what you want.
The following are areas in which coaching can help:
•Relationships and Intimacy
•Stress Management and Balance
•Spirituality and Personal Growth
•Entrepreneurial and Small Business Development
•Career Planning and Development
•Motivation and Time Management
•Creativity for Artists, Writers, Musicians and Performers
•Finances and Budgeting
•Health, Aging, Lifestyle and Self-Care
•Family and Parenting
•And much more
Here are five questions to ask yourself to see if coaching might benefit you:
1. Is there some area of my life that could benefit from a change or a shift?
2. Am I ready for something more in my life (i.e. more abundance, more prosperity, more satisfaction, etc.)?
3. How committed am I to improving myself and my life?
4. What might I let go of to really make room for what I want?
5. How might my own improvement benefit others in my life?
If you answered yes to the 1st two questions and allowed yourself to ponder the last 3 questions...you may want to explore coaching.
Effective solution focused coaching supports people to focus on what they want and find creative ways move forward. Yet, many of us are focusing on what we don't want. Think about how often you spend time worrying, scared, stressed, etc. Most likely you are focusing on what you don't want to happen or what you don't like about something or someone. A credentialed life coach will NOT try to 'fix' you. She or he will empower you, through questions, to discover, learn, grow and create more of what you want.
The following are areas in which coaching can help:
•Relationships and Intimacy
•Stress Management and Balance
•Spirituality and Personal Growth
•Entrepreneurial and Small Business Development
•Career Planning and Development
•Motivation and Time Management
•Creativity for Artists, Writers, Musicians and Performers
•Finances and Budgeting
•Health, Aging, Lifestyle and Self-Care
•Family and Parenting
•And much more
Here are five questions to ask yourself to see if coaching might benefit you:
1. Is there some area of my life that could benefit from a change or a shift?
2. Am I ready for something more in my life (i.e. more abundance, more prosperity, more satisfaction, etc.)?
3. How committed am I to improving myself and my life?
4. What might I let go of to really make room for what I want?
5. How might my own improvement benefit others in my life?
If you answered yes to the 1st two questions and allowed yourself to ponder the last 3 questions...you may want to explore coaching.
Monday, March 1, 2010
HUMILITY
Its been a while since I've updated this blog, but I'm back in business. At least for the moment :)
Recently, I've been confronted with many of my own faults and it was proposed to me that the underlying element of all sin is pride. Seeing much wisdom in this argument, but doubting something so simple could be true, I began seeking out books on the subject. My old friend, Amazon.com, told me about a book called Humility: The Beauty of Holiness by Andrew Murray.
Only two chapters in, I agree with the Amazon reviewer who wrote, "Deep truths on every page-bring your highlighter! I plan to re-read it every year." What an honest and convicting piece of literature. I too, can see the need to be regularly reminded of my sinful pride and disregard for Christ's sacrifice for me.
From Humility:
"Let him consider how all want of love, all indifference to the needs, the feelings, the weakness of others; all sharp and hasty judgments and utterances, so often excused under the plea of being outright honest; all manifestations of temper and touchiness and irritation; all feelings of bitterness and estrangement, have their root in nothing but pride, that ever seeks itself, and his eyes will be opened to see how dark, shall I not say a devilish pride, creeps in almost everywhere, the assemblies of the saints not excepted."
Again, I have not yet finished this book, but it won't take me long to whip through its 89 pages. I suspect I will immediately re-read it to glean another layer of its content before I lose memory of the first.
Jennifer
Recently, I've been confronted with many of my own faults and it was proposed to me that the underlying element of all sin is pride. Seeing much wisdom in this argument, but doubting something so simple could be true, I began seeking out books on the subject. My old friend, Amazon.com, told me about a book called Humility: The Beauty of Holiness by Andrew Murray.
Only two chapters in, I agree with the Amazon reviewer who wrote, "Deep truths on every page-bring your highlighter! I plan to re-read it every year." What an honest and convicting piece of literature. I too, can see the need to be regularly reminded of my sinful pride and disregard for Christ's sacrifice for me.
From Humility:
"Let him consider how all want of love, all indifference to the needs, the feelings, the weakness of others; all sharp and hasty judgments and utterances, so often excused under the plea of being outright honest; all manifestations of temper and touchiness and irritation; all feelings of bitterness and estrangement, have their root in nothing but pride, that ever seeks itself, and his eyes will be opened to see how dark, shall I not say a devilish pride, creeps in almost everywhere, the assemblies of the saints not excepted."
Again, I have not yet finished this book, but it won't take me long to whip through its 89 pages. I suspect I will immediately re-read it to glean another layer of its content before I lose memory of the first.
Jennifer
Monday, September 28, 2009
Rob Bell
I want to introduce you to a very talented man from Mars Hill Bible Church, named Rob Bell. Rob founded Mars Hill, a very successful church in Seattle WA, in 1999 and continues to be one of their pastors. (http://www.marshill.org/) Rob Bell is well know for his books Velvet Elvis, Sex God, and Jesus Wants to Save Christians. He is also known for his work with Nooma.com, which is what I would like to make you aware of today.
At http://www.nooma.com/, you may view trailers and purhcase 24 short films (about 10 minutes), each with a strong spiritual message that resonates like nothing else you've experienced in only 10 minutes. Rob Bell is, in my opinion, a very talented speaker. He looks into the camera and right into your soul, he touches the part of you that most needs touching.
As I mentioned there are trailers on nooma.com, in addition, YouTube.com offers several of these short films to give you a taste of their power. Check them out for yourself, for your church or for your family. We used them as teaching tools with our youth group and found them captivating and effective, especially to those newly growing in their faith.
I am also happy to give a little plug for Rob's books, particularly Velvet Elvis. Rob's way of looking at Christianity is so refreshing, biblical, powerful, and freeing. Your time will be well spent reading his thoughts.
Enjoy!
At http://www.nooma.com/, you may view trailers and purhcase 24 short films (about 10 minutes), each with a strong spiritual message that resonates like nothing else you've experienced in only 10 minutes. Rob Bell is, in my opinion, a very talented speaker. He looks into the camera and right into your soul, he touches the part of you that most needs touching.
As I mentioned there are trailers on nooma.com, in addition, YouTube.com offers several of these short films to give you a taste of their power. Check them out for yourself, for your church or for your family. We used them as teaching tools with our youth group and found them captivating and effective, especially to those newly growing in their faith.
I am also happy to give a little plug for Rob's books, particularly Velvet Elvis. Rob's way of looking at Christianity is so refreshing, biblical, powerful, and freeing. Your time will be well spent reading his thoughts.
Enjoy!
Friday, August 28, 2009
Making Marriage Work
I highly recommend this book for any married or want-to-be married person and all mental health professionals. It is practical, insightful, and scientifically proven. I love that Gottman has done enough research to give a step by step approach to making marriage work. Not many things in life can be mastered using a recipe, and marriage is no exception. But it sure helps! Read this review for more information about John Gottman's approach.
Reviewed by Loren SteinCONSUMER HEALTH INTERACTIVE
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
By John Gottman, Nan SilverThree Rivers PressPaperback 288 pp $12.95
As many people know all too well, marriage is a risky business -- the immutable 50 percent divorce rate attests to that. What's more, creating a happy marriage is a deeply mysterious process. How do you merge two distinct individuals into a thriving partnership? How do you survive the inevitable crises that accompany that journey? "A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day," says French writer Andri Maurois. Actress Mae West, on the other hand, put it this way: "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution."
John Gottman, PhD, currently the reigning dean of marital experts, would no doubt side with Maurois. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he offers an innovative strategy for strengthening good marriages and repairing troubled ones. A professor of psychology at the University of Washington and founder of the Gottman Institute, Gottman is best known for his cutting-edge research on marriage conducted in his Family Research Laboratory -- nicknamed the Love Lab. (His wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, is cofounder and director of the institute.)
Using a video camera and sensors that monitor body sensations, Gottman has spent more than two decades studying in painstaking detail the emotions, behaviors, interactions, and physical responses of some 700 couples. He has tracked these brave volunteers from all stages of married life for up to 14 years. What sets Gottman apart from other marriage gurus is his decision to study the dynamics of happy marriages, because he believes these couples are the true experts.
Gottman's output is prodigious. A practicing therapist, workshop leader, and research scientist, he has co-authored 40 books and close to two hundred articles on marriage and parenting, starting with his 1979 manual, A Couple's Guide to Communication. The results of Gottman's long-term research form the conclusions of Seven Principles, an insightful, practical, and often surprising guide to navigating the rocky shoals of married life.
Gottman begins the book with a bold and unsettling assertion: He can predict in five minutes -- with 91 percent accuracy -- whether a couple will eventually divorce. How can he do this? Years of observing the healthy and unhealthy ways couples argue. Specifically, he watches out for certain corrosive interactions that, left unchecked, will kill a relationship. He calls these the "Four Horsemen": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The author offers up some other startling findings: Communication, and more specifically, conflict resolution, is not the key to a happy marriage. Anger is not necessarily destructive; couples in good marriages also argue and fight. Traditional marriage therapies, including active listening, where spouses mirror back each other's feelings, are often ineffective and for the most part useless, he says. Affairs are not the cause for most breakups. And men and women do not have different needs in marriage. Indeed, what is most important to both sexes, Gottman says, is the quality of the couple's friendship.
"At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship," he writes. "By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately; they are well-versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in the little ways, day in and day out."
Gottman's research found that the positive emotional climate created through countless mundane and loving interactions helps protect couples from sliding into overwhelming negativity when times get tough. A positive equilibrium or "set point" is created that makes it harder for couples to lose their way. As a result, happily married couples relate to each other during disputes very differently than unhappy couples.
Interestingly, one important indication of a strong friendship -- and a healthy marriage -- is the willingness of spouses to accept each other's "repair attempts" during fights: small peace offerings that prevent arguments from spiraling out of control. Anger and conflict is a given, Gottman says; what counts most is whether the repairs are successful.
Another useful insight is that men have less physiological capacity for conflict than their wives; they are more easily overwhelmed by marital stress and find it harder to recover afterwards. Also, beware of "harsh startups," Gottman says. Typically, it is the wife who brings up a sticky marital issue. If she makes the mistake of criticizing or attacking her husband right out of the gate, the damage to the conversation is usually irreparable.
Gottman describes young newlyweds Dara and Oliver, who argue over how to more fairly divide housework. Dara dives into the discussion with criticism and accusations: Oliver doesn't help out, and knowing him, he never will. Although she talks in a quiet voice, her words are loaded: The problem isn't the behavior, it's him. Oliver tries a repair attempt by cracking a joke; Dara sits stonily. He offers suggestions, but Dara counters with blame and sarcasm -- a form of contempt, Gottman says -- and Oliver becomes even more defensive. Gottman watched the couple argue for several minutes, and it came as no surprise to him that four years later they were ready to divorce.
"Discussions invariably end up on the same note they begin," writes Gottman. When a spouse's negativity becomes overwhelming or unrelenting, the reaction is "flooding" in his or her mate -- a pounding heart and other physical signs of distress -- leading to emotional shutdown and distancing. Repeated harsh startups and flooding are precursors to marital disaster, he says.
The premise of Gottman's book is that happy marriages share seven unmistakable traits (hence the title), and that unhappy couples fall short in at least one, if not more, of these areas. For example, in "emotionally intelligent" marriages, couples work together and appreciate the best in each other. They have a deep understanding of each other's psyches and worlds. Men share power and accept the influence of their wives. And couples learn to cope with two kinds of problems that are part and parcel of every marriage: solvable conflicts and the perpetual problems, fueled by hidden issues, that can cause emotional gridlock. Unsolvable problems represent 69 percent of marital conflicts, Gottman says.
Trying to change your partner's mind is ultimately a waste of time, says Gottman; instead, explore, accept, and even honor each other's personal dreams and fundamental differences. In the strongest marriages, couples move on from pointless quarreling and do the real work of building a deep sense of shared meaning and purpose into their lives together.
Using in-depth quizzes and exercises, the book helps readers detect the weak spots in their marriage that need attention. Gottman also illustrates and breathes life into his ideas through the use of couples' profiles and passages of their dialogue captured on videotape.
When Katherine and Jeff sat down in Gottman's Love Lab to try to discuss whether to have their baby baptized, the couple was clearly deadlocked and their marriage in serious danger. As an agnostic, Jeff did not want his baby to be baptized or to have any formal religious instruction. It came as a shock to him when Katherine's Catholicism became more central to her after she became pregnant. After sharing what religion symbolized to each of them, its place in their personal history, and their hidden dreams for their child, anger was replaced with compassion. They were then able to talk about how to raise their child in a way that respected both their visions.
The book's strengths far outweigh its weaknesses. One might argue, however, that Gottman's research on marriage is not exactly science. Can a formula really be devised that assures marital bliss? Also, the use of "seven" in the title unfortunately smacks of a tried-and-true marketing ploy -- no self-help book these days seems to sell without a number in the title (witness the similarly titled Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting With Your Partner by Phillip C. McGraw, Hyperion).
Seven Principles gives readers the opportunity to learn life-altering lessons from a master therapist and researcher who has devoted his life's work to revealing the secrets of couples who have created loving, fulfilling, and long-lasting marriages. Even Mae West, if she were game, might learn a thing or two.
-- Loren Stein is a freelance writer in Palo Alto, California specializing in health and legal issues and a regular contributor to Consumer Health Interactive. She has written for WebMD, Hippocrates, and the Christian Science Monitor, among other publications.
Reviewed by Loren SteinCONSUMER HEALTH INTERACTIVE
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
By John Gottman, Nan SilverThree Rivers PressPaperback 288 pp $12.95
As many people know all too well, marriage is a risky business -- the immutable 50 percent divorce rate attests to that. What's more, creating a happy marriage is a deeply mysterious process. How do you merge two distinct individuals into a thriving partnership? How do you survive the inevitable crises that accompany that journey? "A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day," says French writer Andri Maurois. Actress Mae West, on the other hand, put it this way: "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution."
John Gottman, PhD, currently the reigning dean of marital experts, would no doubt side with Maurois. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he offers an innovative strategy for strengthening good marriages and repairing troubled ones. A professor of psychology at the University of Washington and founder of the Gottman Institute, Gottman is best known for his cutting-edge research on marriage conducted in his Family Research Laboratory -- nicknamed the Love Lab. (His wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, is cofounder and director of the institute.)
Using a video camera and sensors that monitor body sensations, Gottman has spent more than two decades studying in painstaking detail the emotions, behaviors, interactions, and physical responses of some 700 couples. He has tracked these brave volunteers from all stages of married life for up to 14 years. What sets Gottman apart from other marriage gurus is his decision to study the dynamics of happy marriages, because he believes these couples are the true experts.
Gottman's output is prodigious. A practicing therapist, workshop leader, and research scientist, he has co-authored 40 books and close to two hundred articles on marriage and parenting, starting with his 1979 manual, A Couple's Guide to Communication. The results of Gottman's long-term research form the conclusions of Seven Principles, an insightful, practical, and often surprising guide to navigating the rocky shoals of married life.
Gottman begins the book with a bold and unsettling assertion: He can predict in five minutes -- with 91 percent accuracy -- whether a couple will eventually divorce. How can he do this? Years of observing the healthy and unhealthy ways couples argue. Specifically, he watches out for certain corrosive interactions that, left unchecked, will kill a relationship. He calls these the "Four Horsemen": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The author offers up some other startling findings: Communication, and more specifically, conflict resolution, is not the key to a happy marriage. Anger is not necessarily destructive; couples in good marriages also argue and fight. Traditional marriage therapies, including active listening, where spouses mirror back each other's feelings, are often ineffective and for the most part useless, he says. Affairs are not the cause for most breakups. And men and women do not have different needs in marriage. Indeed, what is most important to both sexes, Gottman says, is the quality of the couple's friendship.
"At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship," he writes. "By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately; they are well-versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in the little ways, day in and day out."
Gottman's research found that the positive emotional climate created through countless mundane and loving interactions helps protect couples from sliding into overwhelming negativity when times get tough. A positive equilibrium or "set point" is created that makes it harder for couples to lose their way. As a result, happily married couples relate to each other during disputes very differently than unhappy couples.
Interestingly, one important indication of a strong friendship -- and a healthy marriage -- is the willingness of spouses to accept each other's "repair attempts" during fights: small peace offerings that prevent arguments from spiraling out of control. Anger and conflict is a given, Gottman says; what counts most is whether the repairs are successful.
Another useful insight is that men have less physiological capacity for conflict than their wives; they are more easily overwhelmed by marital stress and find it harder to recover afterwards. Also, beware of "harsh startups," Gottman says. Typically, it is the wife who brings up a sticky marital issue. If she makes the mistake of criticizing or attacking her husband right out of the gate, the damage to the conversation is usually irreparable.
Gottman describes young newlyweds Dara and Oliver, who argue over how to more fairly divide housework. Dara dives into the discussion with criticism and accusations: Oliver doesn't help out, and knowing him, he never will. Although she talks in a quiet voice, her words are loaded: The problem isn't the behavior, it's him. Oliver tries a repair attempt by cracking a joke; Dara sits stonily. He offers suggestions, but Dara counters with blame and sarcasm -- a form of contempt, Gottman says -- and Oliver becomes even more defensive. Gottman watched the couple argue for several minutes, and it came as no surprise to him that four years later they were ready to divorce.
"Discussions invariably end up on the same note they begin," writes Gottman. When a spouse's negativity becomes overwhelming or unrelenting, the reaction is "flooding" in his or her mate -- a pounding heart and other physical signs of distress -- leading to emotional shutdown and distancing. Repeated harsh startups and flooding are precursors to marital disaster, he says.
The premise of Gottman's book is that happy marriages share seven unmistakable traits (hence the title), and that unhappy couples fall short in at least one, if not more, of these areas. For example, in "emotionally intelligent" marriages, couples work together and appreciate the best in each other. They have a deep understanding of each other's psyches and worlds. Men share power and accept the influence of their wives. And couples learn to cope with two kinds of problems that are part and parcel of every marriage: solvable conflicts and the perpetual problems, fueled by hidden issues, that can cause emotional gridlock. Unsolvable problems represent 69 percent of marital conflicts, Gottman says.
Trying to change your partner's mind is ultimately a waste of time, says Gottman; instead, explore, accept, and even honor each other's personal dreams and fundamental differences. In the strongest marriages, couples move on from pointless quarreling and do the real work of building a deep sense of shared meaning and purpose into their lives together.
Using in-depth quizzes and exercises, the book helps readers detect the weak spots in their marriage that need attention. Gottman also illustrates and breathes life into his ideas through the use of couples' profiles and passages of their dialogue captured on videotape.
When Katherine and Jeff sat down in Gottman's Love Lab to try to discuss whether to have their baby baptized, the couple was clearly deadlocked and their marriage in serious danger. As an agnostic, Jeff did not want his baby to be baptized or to have any formal religious instruction. It came as a shock to him when Katherine's Catholicism became more central to her after she became pregnant. After sharing what religion symbolized to each of them, its place in their personal history, and their hidden dreams for their child, anger was replaced with compassion. They were then able to talk about how to raise their child in a way that respected both their visions.
The book's strengths far outweigh its weaknesses. One might argue, however, that Gottman's research on marriage is not exactly science. Can a formula really be devised that assures marital bliss? Also, the use of "seven" in the title unfortunately smacks of a tried-and-true marketing ploy -- no self-help book these days seems to sell without a number in the title (witness the similarly titled Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting With Your Partner by Phillip C. McGraw, Hyperion).
Seven Principles gives readers the opportunity to learn life-altering lessons from a master therapist and researcher who has devoted his life's work to revealing the secrets of couples who have created loving, fulfilling, and long-lasting marriages. Even Mae West, if she were game, might learn a thing or two.
-- Loren Stein is a freelance writer in Palo Alto, California specializing in health and legal issues and a regular contributor to Consumer Health Interactive. She has written for WebMD, Hippocrates, and the Christian Science Monitor, among other publications.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Fundraiser Benefitting Mental Health
Mental Health America of Eastern Missouri
1905 S. Grand● St. Louis, MO 63104 ● 314-773-1399 ● info@mhaem.org
Spirit of St. Louis Dinner – This black tie gala is the Association’s largest fundraiser. It's a glamorous, yet fun-filled evening in early winter at a beautiful location, with cocktails, dinner, dancing and an awesome auction. The Association’s highest honors, the Silver Bell and Silver Key Awards, are presented to deserving individuals and corporations.
The 26th Annual Spirit of St. Louis Dinner, the Snow Ball, will be held on Friday, Dec. 4, 2009 at the St. Louis Hilton at the Ballpark. The Snowball includes a live and silent auction, as well as music and dancing.
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