On the rare occasions I get to soak up some time in a coffee
shop, I usually feel overwhelmed by the stream of people coming and going who
seem to have it all together. Whether dressed in a business suit or yoga pants,
each person in their own way appears more “Ok” than I feel. Today must be
opposite day because 90% of what I’ve witnessed in the last 30 minutes at
Einstein Bros has been heartbreaking. A
family of 5 with active young children who have brought their parents to a
place of apparent hopelessness. An elderly man who unbelievably
managed to avoid hitting the cars around him as he parallel parked. Even more
amazingly, he navigated the busy street while wielding his cane and an armful
of Imo’s, made it back to his car, placed the treats in the backseat and once
again drove off, barely avoiding swiping nearby cars. Wow. A mother with
her daughter and toddler grandson each reeling in their own self-protective way
from the heinous interaction between them right there at the lunch table. For
once I feel like I fit in.
Each one of us is desperately in need of something to save
us from the darkness and pain that follow us everywhere, every day, even to
Einstein Bros Bagels on a Sunday afternoon. No one can escape the pursuit of
evil. It’s after us. Often, it gets really close to us. But I am reminded, we
have a Savior who won’t let evil “get” us. On this earth we will suffer, and it
won’t be pretty. But we’ll never suffer alone and we’ll never lose the war.
When it comes to
suffering, it is entirely too easy for me to think God isn’t enough for me or
that I’m not enough for God. On days I
feel defeated I can be persuaded that my problems are too big for even God. It
would require a miracle to see real change and I tell myself God doesn’t do miracles anymore.
On days I’m feeling insignificant, I can be persuaded that I’m
not important enough for God to care about my car trouble or lost wallet or
frustrating morning. But He does! This graphic was a comforting reminder, until
I thought further about it….
When you face life-compromising illness, devastating loss,
or terrifying threat, after pleading with the Lord for a while and not seeing
the improvement you desire, it becomes easy to begin doubting Him. Though you
once may have known nothing is out of the reach of our Lord, you begin to
wonder if He can’t trump free will. Or maybe it’s just that He can’t make
something of nothing. It becomes comforting even, to think he just isn’t able
to do what we’re asking. That feels more comfortable than facing the truth that
He is fully powerful and able, but choosing not to grant our request for
what seems like something so small. Usually we’re just asking for a little
relief, a little justice, a little love. This is when we begin asking the
question the walls in my office are saturated with: How could a loving God hear
my prayers and do nothing to help?
The pat, possibly trite-sounding answers I hear are:
-Later, you may thank God for unanswered prayers
-You may not be seeing how He is answering your prayers in a
different way than you expect
-Because He loves us He allows us free will and what you’re
experiencing could be the consequences of yours or someone else’s sin
-All of your suffering will be used for a purpose, for His
glory
…..there’s more but you get the point.
While there is truth in each of these ideas, I’ve been trying to focus on another direction of thoughts about suffering.
Something we do as humans, is dividing the world into two
categories: good and bad. At the very least we evaluate our experiences as good
ones and bad ones. Keeping our lives divided into these two categories turns
into an exhausting effort to keep two warring selves bound together in the one brain. There’s a part that hurts and grieves and suffers, and a part that
rejoices and celebrates and enjoys. The way I experience and interact with the
world when I judge something bad, is markedly different that the way I experience
and interact when I’ve judged something good. The one side of my brain just doesn't look at things the same way the other does. An ideal, a more whole way of
living, is to integrate each of our parts, good and bad, into one. As a personal goal, I’m working on shades of
grey with the hope that the shades I see become lighter and lighter. If I could
see all things as good on some level, not because I see the good in them but
because I have faith they will be used for good, I could see all things as
grace. And when God did not answer my prayers in a way I could understand or
see, I could choose to see His response as grace. How do you do this in the midst of suffering?
How do you do this when you’re being abused or your child dies, or you become
homeless? Honestly, I don’t know. The best directive I give myself is to use my
stubborn strong will that I’ve been using for my own purposes, to instead
accomplish God’s will for me--becoming more like His son.
We serve a God who is without a doubt powerful enough to do
anything you ask and anything He chooses. So ask. And ask and ask. The Lord
delights in you sharing your heart with Him, and when you do, He will be there
with you. There is nothing too small for Him to get worked up about, cry over,
or celebrate with you. You will find rest in Him. But if and when life
continues to feel hard, try this out. Choose to view what you would have
labeled “bad” as helpful, useful, purposeful, or if you’re really brave,
“good.”
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